High/Low 1.26.06

Hey...

Thursday Thank God. I am SO looking forward to this weekend..

weird day yesterday... work was ok.. we had a staff meeting that was strange..and I'm not SLAMMED at work which makes me QUITE happy. I hope it stays like that for the rest of the week.

ugh.. what to say today? i have stuff on my mind but i'm not knowing how to articulate.. actually it's that i don't know if i want to share.. well screw it.. i don't care.. peter i think finally 'got' what i've been trying to say... about wanting to be friends.. i think he got it to the point that he said he knows he needs to move on.. now at the same time.. historically he's been my security blanket.. or, as I call it he's my "woobie" (taken from the movie 'Mr. Mom') Well i've been holding on to the woobie for comfort (which is unfair admittedly) because of my own fear... (ok guys..one of my fears..that I'll end up alone- tread gently ok? please...) well he took the woobie away and I think that while I know this has been SO necessary.. i'm still in a bit of shock.. AND at the same time..excited and SCARED as hell... because i can begin to work thru my fear.. and try to better myself.. and well change something...(maybe really meet someone??? eh?) my hope is that his newfound revelation and our gradual acceptance of the situation will shift my energy and allow me to let go of the blinders and negative thoughts toward myself...that i've had for so long... (If I don't stay with Peter.. noone else will love me) Again.. please go easy.. vomiting my insides... Does this make sense? Funny.. a friend told me once "I have to be the bad guy.." and I didn't really understand what that meant.. I think I finally do... and it sucks.

Saw a good show on last nite.. well i like it.. it gives me hope. 'Love Monkey" ... kinda silly but basically about one guy.. holding true to what he believes in.. I soak that stuff up...

then.. I saw 'Miami Ink' (a show on TLC about a Tattoo Parlor) and this woman wanted a tattoo of this artist.. Mark Ryden .. Wow.. his work is both shocking in a very creepy way.. and also very beautiful and ironic... i found the painting titled 'Rose' to touch me.. wow.. I was kinda blown away...

I also started journalling last nite for myself... feels damn good.

Finally.. I saw this great quote (hopefully Keri Smith won't mind that I also feel like it pushes me toward getting off my but.. stop wallowing.. and just DO it... maybe you will too..

"Learn to say, 'Fuck You' to the world once in a while. You have every right to. Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose-sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger-pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding grinding grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO. Don't worry about cool. Make your own uncool.

Make your own, your own world."

(excerpted from "The Accidental Masterpiece" by Michael Kimmelman)

I say Hell yea to that. Thanks Keri Smith for bringing me to that..

OK.. well that's all I have to say... I think it's enough.
onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net