High/Low 9.13.04

Hey ya'll.

How ya doin? I am not going into the normal malarky of my typical High/Low.. well, because I don't feel like it. I have been feeling quite blue lately, intermingled with bouts of smiling, laughing and happiness.. but this steady wave of melancoly that I CANNOT put my finger on, boggles me.

I feel like my blinders are on.. the blinders of self pity and whoa is me-ness. An emptyness in my heart.. ah.. I sit here, asking my soul, my guides; why I feel this.. what comes to mind is the releasing of all past expectations of what my future is to be. Funny.. I was in the grocery store (buying milk for tomorrows coffee) kinda saying to myself "why isn't anything happening that I want? when are the clouds of my confusion.. (no.. I do not wish to own this) eh..clouds of the confusion and feeling lost feeling going to part and make way for something magical and wonderful??? Am I stupid to believe all the things I was told as a young person.. that I CAN make my dreams come true.. that I CAN do anything I want in this world. (the voice in my head rebuttles saying, "You haven't TRIED to make your dreams come true.. you want it to come to you) eww. Anyway.. back to the grocery store.. I'm thinking these things and I hear in my head (trust me.. I know I'm not crazy) "Kerilyn,if you got everything you wanted tomorrow.. would you be ready for it? Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? ) damn.. the voice in my head is right.. I don't think I would be ready.

I need to live my life RIGHT NOW.. like I was ready. Maybe that's whats preventing the greatest thing to happen... my inability to "be ready" for it all. I am living in the "When God?" and not trying to prepare for whatever "it" is... Wow.. kinda like a marathon.. (my girl Davina, God bless her, is training for one.. go Davinia!) she does those runs everyday.. I'm sure they're hard.. some days she doesn't want to.. but she does... but she knows that she's training to be ready.. prepared for the first step.

I need to work on that.. LIVING ready for it.. When I think of what it means to live ready.. it immediately makes me feel better.. makes me want to LIVE more.. try new things, meet new people WITHOUT the expectations of what it should be, when it should be and who it should be with. Definately an obstacle in my life.

Don't let me diminish something.. I went to the beach this weekend, I had a GREAT time. I am so grateful to be surrounded with people who love me unconditionally,who "get" me. I had told my best friend Naomi, going into this weekend, that I felt quiet.. and it was so nice.. to feel that acceptance of me EXACTLY where I was, no matter where that was. Got some sun.. (with 50 spf sunblock on), good talks, great belly laughs, journaled (worked on more greeting card ideas) got up early and sat alone.. listening to my inner thoughts.. tried to accept them. I HOPE that this trip becomes an annual thing.

Thanks for listening to me. It's gonna be ok.. I feel myself get choked up but I'm just trying to do the best job with what I have. Some days I'm good at it, some days, i'm even better. It all comes out in the wash.

Ancora Imparo "I am still learning' in Latin.
Love you all.
Kerilyn

"God, Please grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." - Unknown