High/Low 12.9.05

Hey..

I went to bed around 11pm last nite.. no precpitation.. nothing..wake up.. bing! 2 inches.. and like an inch of ice... damn. so I called the main office.. we're on a delay.. whew! gives me time to see if I am goign to journey in.. I'm SURE That by 10.. it'll be better.. fingers crossed anyway...

So yes.. it's been a rough week... rough in every aspect... work... sitting in traffic (grr!)... the men in my life... my fears sitting there like a plate of liver and onions.. eww stinky.. funny thing is that deep inside... my spirit self.. feels really good.. Inside i feel good.. grounded.. just cause on the outside i can't stop crying and I feel alone... on the inside i know it's good.. what's happening...

So i decided.. wait.. gotta insert notes here...

(COVER YOUR BUTT NOTES: I am saying this today..and I mean it... strongly.. but that doesn't mean that my whole energy around this can change tomorrow.... something could change.. and I'll decide differently.. but for RIGHT NOW.. I am saying this is my desire.)

ok.. So now that I've told Peter (for the 3rd and final time) that I thinkwe should only be friends..(side note: For all you who don't know.. or think you know because you read this...for the record.. I SINCERELY care and love Peter.. with all my heart..my first reciprocity.. and my first boyfriend... but I need to not hurt him anymore.. and let him go.. I'm being cruel.. and I know this.. I need to stay away and let him heal.. and meet someone else.. this is NOT fair to him.. or to me) and now that he's not talking to me.. and i'm GOING to stick with this healing process for both of our sakes.. not call him to "see" if he's ok.. I'm going to just focus SOLELY on me.. voluntarily put blinders on.. I do not wish to date for now... I have already emailed the couple of people i've been chatting with.. and I NEED to do this.. like my own damn New Years Resolution.. sounds militant.. coming from someone who wants it so badly.. but I am swearing off dating..(yea.. when do you hear ME say that? uh.. never) but i'm sending out energy that I want this really badly.. and so that energy might be interpreted as desparation.. so i retract my energy.. and give that energy to myself...I stop that flow of "i want a relationship" energy.. focus it on me.. when the time is right.. it'll change..

That's where I am as of today.. this moment.. I feel strong about it.. and scared at the same time.. I've always had my energy out there.. spiritual fingers dipping into the pool of "hmm.. maybe he's the one..." to NO AVAIL. It'll be interesting to see how my fears react to not looking.. if i were to predict.. it'll bring out the "i'm not worth anything" fear and loneliness.. but i need to push PAST That fear.. (recognize it as my truth) and keep going (to the gym where i need to REALLY commit to now) back to the place where i know i am worth it..

Anyway... I'm goign to get ready now.. and start shoveling... I hope you have a good day.. I'm vomiting my insides here right now... I ask that if you could.. you would take what i'm saying with care.. and not JAB ME.. I can see my "stuff" (and know there's more that i'm not exploring right now) but I only have 2 hands... and one heart.

Have a great day... Happy Friday!! I'm looking forward to the weekend!
:) love you all!!!
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net