High/Low 6.9.05
hey everyone..
ok.. so it's happening again.. yesterday, a normal day or so I would think.. toward the 2:30 hour, my boss (who I've already established is not the kindest or most sensitive man in the world) scarily calls me into his office.. and basically says that I have to start producing more revenue or there will be a "reassignment" .. I got BEAT red.. and that wave of familiarity washed over me. Oh God.. I am going to lose my job again.. for the 5th time!!!
Needless to say.. the rest of my day was shot to hell... The same thoughts that i haven't felt in quite some time.. "Why does this keep happening to me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "WHY can't I find a job that I am good at AND that I enjoy." I quickly began my search.. trying to prepare for what's to come..
This is NOT fun.
True, I have not enjoyed this business, practically from before I even accepted the job. I knew that this was just a paycheck.. but it doesn't remove the similar feelings of failure, and hopelessness.
I believe in Karma. I believe that Karma is our account balance of what we need to accomplish in this lifetime. I believe when you go thru your life and note things that happen to you over and over.. that's your Karma.. there is your challenge. Well THIS is my Karma.. 5 jobs in 6 years, I'd say is over and over...I recognize it as such, but have NO idea how to transform it so that it doesn't keep kicking me in the face (or so it feels)
So.. what to say? To me, this is a great experience to try not to fall into victim mode "whoa is me", which I realize is my Mode of Operation. Last nite at Home Depot, I found myself saying "What do I have to live for?" (Victim) and I tried to stop myself in my own tracks.. It does not feel good to me when I behave that way.. but strangely enough.. it's like a security blanket.. getting empathy from others.. and feeling comforted by being sorry for myself.
Have I wanted to leave this job? yea.. for a while now. So is this a way to push me to find something? Yes? Truth is.. I still don't know exactly what I am searching for.. my next job. Do I go back into Design? I guess that's what my experience is in.. who knows..
I meditated on it today.. I visualized myself giving my boss my 2 weeks notice.. saying this wasn't the "right fit"... God, I hope your listening to me, because I wish, RIGHT NOW, to learn whatever it is I have to learn from this NOW.. to overcome my Karma.. so I do not ever have to go thru these feelings of insecurity (literally) and doubt... and fear.
If you believe in Prayer.. will you say one for me today? I guess you can guess that my stomach is fluttering.. and I guess today will be like walking on eggshells.. and it frankly scares me.. WAY too familiar.
Anyway.. Thanks for listening.. There HAS to be a reason for all this.. for there is a reason for everything...
have a good day.
kerilyn
"If God made today perfect, he/she wouldn't of created tomorrow." - Unknown
PS: I am NOT going to stop writing because of this.. I WILL push thru this.. please, send me your thoughts of success today.. I really could use this.. Thank you.
posted by thisdreamergirl @ 7:44 AM
3 Comments:
Hi Kerilyn,
I just read your high/low for today and I really can relate to the feelings you are currently experiencing. Familiarity in doing something, whether it is advantageous to your overall growth and well-being or not, can be a difficult thing to overcome. When I worked at the learning facility that I had been teaching at for 3 years, I felt similiar feelings of wanting to leave, but stayed in a situation that continued to affect my happiness. I did so for the exact same reason you are staying in your current job. (I didn't know exactly what ultimately I wanted to do, fear of leaving something I knew) But as daunting as the unknown was for me, I was courageous enough to leave the center and I started hussling employment through various employment agencies. Sure, it was tough going through stretches of not finding employment and sure I got really down on myself at various times. However through it all, I did receive words of encouragement from friends, which did cause me to see hope, even when I wasn't allowing myself to see it with my own eyes. And so in working through the employment agencies, it gave me the flexibillity I needed to work in various job setting, while I figured out what I wanted to do. If I happened to be working at an assignment I liked, I'd tell my agency to put in a good word for me. If not, I had the latitude to inquiry about something else. As I start to get steady assignments, a strong sense of self that I knew always existed within started to emerge to the forefront. I became more determined, more ambitious...I kept hearing over and over in my brain the words of a Jay-Z song, "I WILL NOT LOSE" and that was catalytic! No matter how bleak things seem to be, my new found strength of spirit would not let me get down for any long period of time. The end result of this is, as you know, is that I recently got a Technical Writer position that I'll start next week with Honeywell.
I think you are absolutely amazing Kerilyn, to acknowledge and embrace the palpability of your feelings. That's so real! You have wonderful friends who truly have your back and want the best for you and we will CONTINUE to provide you with a sounding board! You can SO do this and you have my unbridled encouragement! NOTE: The crowd is going wild spurring you on as you embark upon your hopes and dreams!!!!! Take care hon and remember you can do this!!!!!!!
Let me see if I can leave a longer comment than the previous fellow.
"reassignment"?
Sounds like you'd still have a job, maybe in a new area you'd enjoy. Or maybe getting those pesky leaves out of the storm drains.
"my boss (who I've already established is not the kindest or most sensitive man in the world)"
Your perception of your boss' lack of kindness or sensitivity is germane to the discussion only if you are trying to displace blame. Nowhere in this post do you actually assess whether your job performance (or lack thereof) justifies his comment. If your job is to produce revenue and you are not producing revenue, you will probably get fired by any boss who has higher ups to answer to, whether he says "you will be reasssigned" or says "kerilyn, honey, sweety, I know you're not going to want to hear that you need to work harder at a job you don't like, but your lack of enthusiasm to make yourself voluntarily miserable just so that you can make ends meet is decreasing my positive work energy with the negative vibrations slamming into my being like earthquakes whenever you enter this upper region of hell. Would you like a tissue?" Kind and sensitive and at the end of the day you're still fired if you can't do the job you were hired to do. This most definately is not Kerilyn specific, as it is true of all the employed who read your high lows, and even the ones who don't. Not sure we've all quit/been laid off/fired 5 times, but NEITHER HAVE YOU, yet. To keep you number at four, try harder to accomplish the workplace goals set before you. It's not like you are a stupid or inept person. I'm sure you could satisfactorily meet the standard if you applied yourself to the task at hand.
Of course, had you been out actively seeking other employment as recomended by some of your friends in prior conversations, perhaps this wouldn't have seemed like such a blow, though, of course, you are currently gainfully employed, and the ability to remain so is ultimately in your hands. If your boss thought you were incapable of raising your production, he would not have had this discussion with you, he would have simply fired you. Perhaps this is the way the unkind and insensitive motivate those whose ambition does not match their abilities.
"Well THIS is my Karma.. 5 jobs in 6 years, I'd say is over and over...I recognize it as such, but have NO idea how to transform it so that it doesn't keep kicking me in the face (or so it feels)"
How about:
A)give the very best effort you can at everything you do, even if you don't like it?
If you work as hard as you can at every job, it's unlikely you would keep losing employment. the next question might be "but why should I, i hate this job" Answer: "So you don't get fired."
If you hate the job, the answer is to find another job, not give subpar performance.
In the future, you may find the perfect job (Corcoran) that you would love (theoretically), and then that employer calls your prior employers and gets consistant reports of "Unenthusiastic Worker", "Unmotivated", "Not a team player", "Called Supervisor unkind and insensitive", which do not characterize the Kerilyn that the people receiving your high-lows have come to cherish.
B)"victim mode "whoa is me", which I realize is my Mode of Operation" "It does not feel good to me when I behave that way.. but strangely enough.. it's like a security blanket.. getting empathy from others.. and feeling comforted by being sorry for myself." This couldn't possibly be why the same thing keeps happening, could it? Things change when things are changed. If I keep hitting myself in the head w/ a hammer I will keep hurting myself. People standing around telling me "Oh, it's not your fault, the hammers just being too hard" will not keep me from breaking my shit up when I continue to hit myself in the head with it. However, if "I" decide to stop hitting myself in the head with the hammer and decide to hit the people giving me the very pleasant but unconstructive advice with it instead (j/k, violence against other people is unconstructive as well) seriously, if i lose the hammer and pick up a pillow to rest my head upon, my situation has changed, b/c I have voluntarily and PURPOSEFULLY changed my behavior to receive a different outcome.
"I meditated on it today.. I visualized myself giving my boss my 2 weeks notice.. saying this wasn't the "right fit"
notice you visualize being able to be the aggressor in a PERSONAL confrontation rather than visualizing working harder and your boss saying to you "Kerilyn, you're doing a great job and we'll still be reassigning you, but it's to a higher level job with more money" You are the theoretical "winner" in both of these scenarios, but one is positive and one is negative. And wouldn't it be better to give your 2 weeks (b/c the Corcoran called) to someone who now hates to lose you b/c you're so productive?
" If you believe in Prayer.. will you say one for me today? I guess you can guess that my stomach is fluttering.. and I guess today will be like walking on eggshells.. and it frankly scares me.." I will say a prayer for you today. YOU can decide to aggressively produce the results asked for and alleviate the butterlies and eggshells. If YOU decide to.
The bottom line in this long diatribe is that this is YOUR doing. There is noone else to blame. YOU, a generally positive person, took this job with negative expectations. YOU are not producing sufficient revenue to please your employer. YOU did not look for another job before it was neccessary (except Corcoran). Similarly, YOU can help yourself. YOU can decide to positively visualize the boss kissing your ass because you are doing so well. YOU can decide to not just accomplish, but exceed revenue pruduction standards. YOU can decide to find a job you like before it's absolutely neccesary. YOU can decide to take control of the yaht in the wide open ocean of your future and not just drift wherever the sewer floats your raft.
Yao Ming?
Wow! That is some tremendous advice that this person above has given! See Kerilyn, you have wonderful friends that can objectively and constructive give you advice, all the while encouraging you to seek out your destiny! I have no doubt you will ultimately attain that which you seek!
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