High/Low 7.20.05

Hey there..

How are you? I'm fine.. a little tired but fine. It's Wednesday already, i'm telling ya.. July is almost over.. it all doesn't seem real.. flying by so quickly. .. ya know? Yesterday was another hot and sticky day.. i think today is no different. We need some rain to cut the humidity

So yesterday.. I wrote about feeling like I got off the wrong exit on the highway. Well I have been trying to explore where I can get back onto the highway again. I've been having the thought (bear with me.. I'm being serious) of either giving away or selling most of all my possessions except a few things (Music, original art, diaries/letters, spiritual books, photo albums,camera) and move home to my parents (I haven't even discussed this with them.. it's still in thought mode) or somewhere where I can live rent free for a few months.. get a part time job somewhere I like (like PULP www.pulpdc.com ) and work on my cards the rest of the time. Would this be easy? no. But I am thinking I am the ONLY one that can make my dreams come true.. noone else. And what is it I have really? A house full with stuff that doesn't necessarily support my dream at the moment. It's about fear. Right now.. I go to a job I am not interested in because I fear I won't be able to pay my bills. If I gave away everything.. and didn't have that fear anymore.. it would probably free me to actually try to accomplish what I really wanted.. what made me happy. True, it would probably present other obstacles and fears, but at least I'd be working thru the trials that making my dream come true would bring, instead of fretting over something that means very little to me day in and day out. I know, this is a BIG thought.. it still needs some serious mulling over.. I've already talked to Naomi about it and she feels similarly with respect to making her dreams come true with Comedy. It's interesting we both feel similarly (she's felt this way a while now). What do I have to lose? I'm already working on accepting that I am going to give away everything? So what would I REALLY have to lose? My integrity? I compromise my souls integrity every day by doing something that stifles my spirit.

I am sure this brings up lotsa feelings for you.. either positive or negative. That is the tribe talking to you.. either you feel similarly.. of the desire for the big dream... and your yearning to be free to stride for whatever it is you want to do... OR.. this makes you feel uncomfortable.. which is also the tribe.. society telling you that you shouldn't break out of the mold.. to just lay low..sit still and it will all be ok. Change is difficult.. but not impossible.

after work, I went to the gym.. ran 2 miles. Felt good! Then did some more weeding! The yard is looking better, not so forest-like!

THEN (in a slab of irony to my previous paragraphs) I got a phone call from the Director of Admissions at the Art Institute of Washington. There are a few positions in the Admissions Department. I have an interview Thursday evening. We'll see.

Anyway... I hope you have a good day. Thinking about following my spirit yesterday, all day made me feel less lost.. made me feel like for once, I was facing something that I've struggled with.... fear of failure. Is it easy to face, no. But it's no less easier than pretending it's not there.

Side note: I am so bummed that I cannot take pictures because I have to return my camera (and i have to wait till payday to send it off) I am really enjoying keeping my camera with me at all times, and the fact that the camera won't stay on really bugs me. I will ship it next day this weekend and hopefully have it back next weekend!

oh well.. onward and upward!
ancora imparo "I am still learning" in Latin
Kerilyn