High/Low 10.3.05 In the wake....

Sigh... morning everyone...

Wow.. what to say? I've been thinking about what I'm going to say to you all since around 1pm on Saturday... Do I project my dissapointment?? or try to be optimistic?? well let's see how this comes out...

Friday I continued to work on cards.. and I cleaned the house.. didn't go to bed till around 1:30am ish... Kyra and Dave came around 2AM (traffic! YUCK!) Got up early... cup of coffee.. shower.. crisp and cool saturday morning... the kind of morning when a deep enhale can clear out even the little-est of lingering negativity from my brain.. as I take in the cool oxygen... We got to our site at 8ish... Peter had already scoped it out.. and was waiting.. we diligently set up.. first off we were intimidated by the tents... and massive set ups of other people.. but we decided to just take it in stride... we all worked together quite smoothly to get everything out.. admittedly mine didn't take very long.. Kyra's work was beautiful! wow.. I was so impressed.. but then again.. she is really talented... lotsa awesome magnets she made... and glorious frames/mirrors... we eventually got it together.. Cathy selling her watercolors.. and doing sketches of people who are interested... the morning was gradual... i made my first sale.. (see pic) and then another... feeling good.. Kyra had already experienced the frustration when people just walk by without stopping to see what we have.. so she relayed that to me.. and I felt better.. but as the morning woke up... noone seemed interested in my cards... it was truly uncanny... now yea... I didn't have a BIG BOLD SIGN that said HEY YOU!!! COME LOOK AT MY HANDMADE GREETING CARDS! (Idea for next time) but you would think they'd be interesting to read...

nope.

And so... it became quite clear by noon.. that this was not going to be the kind of success that i had originally meditated on.. and expected (DAMN THOSE EXPECTATIONS!!!) Please trust me... I ran the gammit of different emotions that day.. as I do right now.. on the verge of tears... Waves of fear ran thru me as I thought of money and how I held a firm grasp on what kind of cash I was thinking of walking away with...yea.. that was a no go... and all the thoughts of 'WHAT MADE ME THINK THAT I COULD DO THIS????? " I felt like a failure.. feel... like a failure..

now before you all write me.. telling me "BUCK UP CHUM... YOU CAN'T JUDGE YOUR SUCCESS ON ONE SHOW" I know that ok... but it still feels so personal.. remember my byline...

'Benchmarks.. because life is personal"

yea. this was a direct hit... I need a few days to process ALL that has gone on in the past few weeks... let the dust settle on the many hours of sitting I did for this... drawing/coloring.. writing.. as I look in my box and see WAY over 150 cards left in there... sigh.. so dissapointing..

But.. "every cloud has a silver lining" as they say..

things that were beautiful:
1. My roomies from WVU.. Kriss and Kristen came.. wow.. it was like no time passed for us.. it was AWESOME being in their presence.. the only thing that would've been better is if our Lisa girl woulda been there too... (next time!) Kristen came from Pennsylvania... and Kriss from Maryland..to support me.. I am still so blown away.. thank you.. my honeydews..

2. Matthew.. my other constant support in my life.. who I wasn't sure was going to come to see Kyra and I.. just walked up to our booth.. It was so nice to see him.. and be surprised by his presence..

2. This woman came by later in the afternoon.. and said that she read my card earlier in the day.. and it had been lingering with her... that her boss was going thru something and that my card would TRULY be understood by her boss... (my "i would be lying" card) wow.. that was JUST kinda what i needed to hear.. SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS MY EMOTIONAL PLIGHT!! i needed that..

3. After the kunundrum of the seeming unsuccess of the day... we all went out to this hole in the wall mexican restaurant... All of us Kriss, Kristen, Matthew, Kyra, Dave, Cathy, our new friend Chuck... Angela (my awesome roommate now) Kriss's 2 friends.. (Amy and .. eek.. i forgot his name Kriss!) It was awesome! I felt so supported.. and comforted.. Because honestly all i wanted to do was cry and cry and cry..... as I still do right now.. but it was awesome.. all of us.. past.. present and future of my life.. sitting there.. Naomi was missing.. and my sister (who came with her awesome roommates.. and my mom.. who.. makes me tear up.. came to support me.. Walking Cane and all.. (she's doing well, by the way)

Anyway... it was a beautiful day... all in all.. a miracle of a day..

I need to get ready for work now.. but i'll try to fill you in on more later... I have more to say... (of course) but gotta boogie out the door..

To be continued.....
onward and upward.
ancora imparo " I am still learning" in Latin