High/Low 3.14.06

Hey ya'll...

Where did my beautifully warm day go? Today the clouds are grayish brown.. and i hear it's a lot colder out there.. ugh. I want spring back.. I saw tulips blooming yesterday and some of the Cherry Blossoms are in full bloom! I hope it gets warmer cause a trip down to the Tidal Basin in DC to see the beautiful trees is a must!

Work is stressful..
Stress is self enduced i'm SURE of it.
Feeling panicky is my symptom of stress.
I don't like the way my life feels when I am panicking.
I don't feel together.
Feel like a new jigsaw puzzle in it's box.
ALL over the place. seriously.
When I feel this way.. my house is a reflection of that.
My house is a dirty mess.
I want to clean it (and get my life in order again)
but I'm so tired.. that I just go to bed.

Then there's another side....

Hanging out with someone..
"dating"
spending lots of time together..
feels so DAMN good inside my soul..
the chemicals.. override any panicky feeling i'm in. in other areas
of my life.
WEEEEE!!!!!
and when I"m around him.. I feel
like everything else doesn't matter.
I feel beautiful.. and sexy.. and desired...
the world (and my disheveled life) is not important.
New feeling for me.
and I'm really trying to enjoy it.

But eventually there will be the need for balance.
Balance the "dating" with the uncertainty of life.
balance it with the disenchantment of unrealized dreams and goals to date.
I know it's there now.. that need for balance..
I can feel it..
but I'm afraid that if I go into "clean this mess up!" mode.
then he will go away.. and I'll realize this HAS been a dream..

Anyway.. that's where I am...
I feel unsettled.. I mean I havent' even unpacked from Mexico
(i'm not kidding)
and the laundry! Damn! I need the BIG jug of detergent!

Oh and the gym... where did it go?
it's still there..
but this new experience of oogly googlies has taken precedence.. for the time being.
and I'm going to try not to beat myself up over it.

And Naomi's getting ready to move away.
I still don't want to REALLY face it..
maybe that's why we haven't REALLY caught up.
I don't know.. I really don't..
part of my puzzle.. not within close proximity.
don't know how to handle this...

My faith.. spirituality.
I try to tap into it..
and I become a cynic.. I can't surround myself with light.
Talk about a Magician losing his powers....
Do I know it's in my head. yes.
Does this shift in my faith make me sad.
I can't tell you how much...
How I wish someone would help me back onto the road that really...
made me happy, of wearing sparkles on my eyes (and IN my eyes)
and being able to REALLY express my beliefs.
without doubting their validity.. and presence in my life.
you know.. I say in the car.. "I'm just not sure I believe anymore"
when talking to God.... someone to extend a hand so I can, once again..
feel like theres a point to all this confusion...
day in and day out..

There's more.. but now I have to get ready for work..
So just so you know where i am..
I'm here.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net