High/Low 5.19.05

hey there my little string beans!

what's goin on? Gosh I wish it was Friday... (I think I say that every Thursday...lol) Sigh.. I am in need of some mental rest..

OK.. where am I? I feel like I need to make a better schedule for myself.. I think I am not spending enough time with me. Not taking enough time to exercise, and am deciding to do other things (like eat) when I should be running... I am frustrated by my weaning interest in exercising.. I have been challenged lately with sitting still, with enjoying my life. I tend to keep looking toward the future.. in hopes to try to figure it all out, well, the truth is, I can't figure it out. I feel like I want to stop trying. I kinda feel like being alone.

Ok.. so I decided.. I am taking a hiatus from dating. I figure there is NO sense in wasting my own precious time and energy giving my thoughts, my feelings and my spirit to someone who will decide in the end that I am not what they want.. blah blah... or... they don't understand why they themselves behave the way they do. It's so damn tiring. I have decided today, to resort to just meditating on it every morning..doing creative visualizations for the relationship I desire to make itself present in my life. I am not wanting to take an active role for the time being. There is a BIG part of me that realizes that JUST YESTERDAY, I wrote about how there's a part of me that doesn't love who i am.. well I want to stride to figure out why I don't love me.. and figure out how i can learn to love that part that I don't like... I feel a little angry.. because I've never really experienced what I desire.. someone to hold my hand.. stimulate my mind, and be interested in my faith, and what i'm trying to create for my life... and I want it so badly I am angered at the fact that I CANNOT figure out why I am seemingly prohibited from what I desire. WHAT am I doing wrong? I know that it's my karma.. that I wrote this.. to learn something.. well damn it.. I'm on a mission to figure this out cause I NEED to break this pattern once and for all. My longing to experience what i desire gets stronger every day.. and my realistic opportunitity for this happening becomes more unclear and more unclear as I proceed to get older.

ENOUGH of the depressing thoughts... Exciting news!!! Tonite the Tech guy that set up Naomi's wireless internet system is coming over to set mine up!! YEA!!! I can't wait!!!

Thanks for listening to my rant all, this is my life.. and this is where I'm at today.
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin
Kerilyn