High/Low 9.30.04

hey ya'll..

how are ya? sigh.. well i feel a lot better.. I want to thank you, Bridget, for your comment today.. it really was what i needed to read to really put things in perspective.. (if only i could figure a way to put things in perspective myself without outside help). Lori aka Haircut.. thank you too.. was a great surprise to hear from an old but dear friend. I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to put an end to these wishes.. these big dreams.. not kill them off, mind you.. but to stop focusing on them as what will make my life a success. I really cannot tell you why I am this way.. maybe it's from having a very successful father in his career.. and the example he set for me of what I thought success should be in my career.. (that's my guess.. but NOT at all the sole reason) who knows..

i meditated.. and afterwards, to signify an ending of the push i was going to give my yearning to work at the Corcoran.. I gave the Director of Personnel a final call.. i told her that i was just checking in.. that i'm still interested, in becoming part of the Career Services Center. Well.. to my utmost surprise.. she called me back. left a message and wants to set up a meeting next week. I feel calm... maybe this is a test.. but i'll say it could be exciting.. I told myself I'd give up the fire in the eyes consuming feeling of wanting this.. so we'll see what happens.. everything happens for a reason..

Thanks everyone for tuning in.. tomorrow i leave for New Jersey.. for the funeral... It's going to be a long weekend.. and then I get ready to move.. (tomorrow I am putting in my 30 days notice.. I have loved living here.. LOVED... and will miss it.. my area.. but I am really psyched for this new change.. I guess there is a sadness.. so much has happened here.. one example.. since September 2000, I spent 11 months in this apartment unemployed.. that's almost a year of day in and day out of this apartment.. this apartment held the beginning (basically) and ending of my first relationship.. many laughs and many tears shed.. but alas.. moving is an opportunity to give ritual and honor to those experiences.. and to ask for an abundance of new experiences.. new adventures (I mean.. how AWESOME is it going to be to live right next door to one of your best friends? yea.. awesome)

I look back on the past few days.. of my roller coaster of irratic feelings and emotions.. I still don't know why I was feeling so enraged.. so out of control.. still feeling the wake of it.. but not as strong at all.. but I'm sure there is a rhyme and reason of things..

here.. i want to share with you all something i have never exposed but to a few of you.. I am a poet. want to share something small.. about the past few days ... hope you don't mind.

'as is'
how I'm feeling as I throw my emotions against
the wall like spaghetti clinging for dear life.
dented cans in the grocery store.
half price.
that one damn red sock..
bleeding over my newly clorox-ed shirts.
still looks the same..
the height and breath of me
resembles no difference than the
pictures of a not so distant past.
but with my magnifying glass, I see...
the ingredients have been stirred and muddied
her composition askew..
a cacophony of untuned instruments
someone, please stop the ringing in my ears..
and pounding in my heart for i feel
unraveled.
undone.
waving the white flag of all future endeavors
I walk toward indifference with my hands up.
surrender.
thoughts as sharp as little shards of glass I step on
when I didn't sweep up all the remains of my
broken heart and melodramatic intentions become the
prisoner in this poem.
feeling trapped in my cell with a beautiful willow
staring back at me from my designated window.
I stare long enough at my friend the tree
and i am free again...the bars fade away..
and i am free to run and skip and sleep
perchance to dream
a day of blue skies and
clear starry nights; when the only thing 'as is'
is everything I know.
and that is alright with me.
-Kerilyn Fox

ok not so small.... SO me.

Ancora Imparo.
Love you all,
Kerilyn