High/Low 12.6.04 I see a light!!!

Hey all..

How's ya doin? I'm strangely good at this moment.. I think it's from coming off of a KICK BUTT workout tonite. Ahh! It just changes your whole attitude when you can see the results of the work you've put in. I feel stronger (physically anyway) and thinner too. Loving that. Today was a cold and chilly day. but moments when the wind died down.. that a scarf and sweater would've been the trick...

High: I sat in this morning, at the American Medical Association, in this really intriguing meeting about environmental factors (The Water heater at the AMA burst and like a foot of water throughout the space.. so I'm there to discuss furniture moves, etc... REALLY interesting talks about Mold, Moisture Maps.. humidity probes.. stuff that really intrigued me... I tried to come across like I was WAY more interested in the water abatement than giving a hoot about the stinking furniture. Good chat on IM today. REALLY good workout tonite.. it's because I was really confused and feeling hatred of self.. crying on the elliptical machine but DAMN! it'll make you move faster when you're upset! Davina and I did arm workout.. she's got a trainer friend there who gives us pointers. Just had a GREAT talk with Naomi.. SO good to laugh!

Low: Let me preface my low by saying AGAIN.. that I realize that most to all of you don't like your jobs.. WISH that you were doing something other than going paycheck to paycheck.. OR you like what you do but it doesn't MOVE you, INSPIRE you (or pay you enough. lol).. or.. there are a few of you.. who feel you're doing what you've been "destined" to do... lucky yous. I wish I were like that (but i"m not so oh well) I know everyone is different.. but I don't like my job. Today was boring (aside from the AMA meeting) UGH. The problem is.. I don't know what I want to do. I want to be creative..to be in the art world more.. but I dont' know where to look for that.. oh well.

Ya know.. I realized something MAJOR BIG this evening about myself. Wow.. a HUGE EPIPHANY about how I deal with things. I had a really tough conversation with a friend tonite.. about a situation that's arisen (due to my own insecurities primarily) I walked away from that conversation yet AGAIN.. really trying hard to HEAR what he was saying instead of getting defensive (eh.. I tried anyway) I realized something.. about me. I have lived most of my life not loving myself enough.. NOT putting enough faith in myself.. because of that.. I have sabotaged and jeopardized some of my friendships. I have done this.. truly..because I do not believe I am worth it enough, or even more important.. WORTHY enough to receive what I wish. So what do I do?? I do what I can to MAKE SURE that my own self depricating feelings of self.. come true. It's called.. a vicious circle. And.. true to form.. this circle of mine has come back around.. peeping it's ugly head saying "YEA... you see me.. I'm back...you figure out why I'm here yet???.. if so..I dare you to do something about it!!" Now I don't know if I can rectify the past.. the past meaning everything that's happened in my life to this moment.. BUT.. I do know that I am learning TREMENDOUS amounts to be able to use toward my future. And I have to accept that might be good enough. Now the true test is to use what I've learned.. to love myself more.. so value my own feelings, to really BELIEVE that I am WORTH it.. and I have NOTHING to lose by trying. Now the question is.. Where do I begin? :)

Thanks for listening. I feel defensive because I know there are those that think it not wise to be so vulnerable.. "lay all your cards down" as they say... but to those people.. all I can say is I am "doing me" the best I can... it might not be good for anyone else.. I might lose people from my life... but I'm willing to show you inside me.. for no other reason but to get it off my chest. And I'd rather to that than to try to be any other way. I hope you can appreciate that.

Ancora Imparo "I AM STILL LEARNING" in Latin
love you all,
Kerilyn

"...start thinking of yourself as an artist and your life as a work-in-progress. Works-in-progress are never perfect. But changes can be made...Art evolves. So does life. Art is never stagnant. Neither is life. The beautiful, authentic life you are creating for yourself is your art. It's the highest art." Sarah Ban Breathnach

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart...Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, wakens. " -Carl Jung