High/Low 10.18.05

hey folks.

how goes it? Tuesday.. had an early morning yesterday, didn't have time to write...

Now what to say??? hmmm... still feeling a bit out of sorts.. I wish with everything I am that I didn't feel this way.. it's so tiring and draining... I went to bed last nite at 9.. what is that? i could barely keep my eyes open at 8:30.. i mean.. it is dark by 8 now.. so maybe it's my body thinking it's later than it is.. i don't know.. I just don't know anymore... I have really spend time lately looking inside.. realizing how much of my life I live out in the victim role.. I've had friends tell me that before.. and I've always mildly acknowledged it.. but damn. I want to stop living my life as if it's Happened TO me.. and take responsiblity for what I've done to cause it to happen....

I woke up at 3am this morning with insomnia... thinking of all this stuff... the areas of my life where I am in the hands of other people's decisions.. my current job... (Boss making subtle threats of lay offs again... GREAT!) living situation.... wow.. I just want to crawl into a hole...

I wish I was a Bear. I would be getting ready to sleep for the winter.. and wake up to spring... I love spring.

Ok.. still waiting on that damn phone call... frustrating? you better believe it... Sigh.. oh well...

Meditation this morning.. i was thinking at 3AM.. maybe all this is happening because I am not Grateful enough? Maybe I need to be more appreciative in my everyday life.. for all that i have.. I think I am.. but who knows.. So I spent my meditation just thanking the Universe/God for all that i have.. I tried really putting energy into gratefulness... Maybe that will stop the cycle of one thing after another.. i mean.. I believe I wrote these experiences.. and fortified by my stinkin thinkin...

Ok... good notes:

DO RAY MI FA SO LA TEE DO!

I got my official lisence plates yesterday! They're not vanity plates (yet) still working on what I want to say... Went to the dealer 2 times (fixing crack in side door frame) and get plates.. talked to the General Manager.. about 2 things that are broken in car.. (panic button missing on key) he said to bring it in next week and he'll have my whole car reprogrammed.. and new keys! yea!

I enjoyed (2) WONDERFUL chocolate chip cookies that Angela left me.. they are SO good!

Doing some more research into selling cards.. I could go one route.. and find a rep who would back my line of cards up.. I still want to have 10 cards before I do that.. (worked on 2 new ones this past weekend)

This weekend coming up.. my sister and i are leaving on Friday at noon for the Big Apple! Yep! Going to stay with my Aunt Marge and Uncle Ben! Going to see my cousins we haven't seen for YEARS and their children that we've never even met! I hope it's a good weekend (I also hope I snap out of this funk before then.. I do NOT want to bring this ickyness with me)

Anyway...I quote "Garden State". "This is life.. sometimes it F#%$ing hurts... but it's sorta all we have." I need to make it.. so that at the end of the ride.. I found it to be more satisfying than upsetting... only I can do it...

ok.. journeying into my day... who knows what'll happen? Maybe i"ll get the call.. maybe not.. maybe I'll win a million dollars..uh.. maybe not.. Maybe I'll meet the tall, smart and handsome man who'll show me reciprocity... maybe not (today).. So many options...(click!) sound of Kerilyn putting on seat belt..

and off we go.
onward and upward.
ancora imparo " I am still learning" (AM I EVER!) in Latin
Kerilyn