Night words...

Something weird happened to me today... and i still can't figure it out.. so i thought i'd write about it...

i woke up quite sad.. despair.. lonely..well you read my entry this morning... i was crying.. feeling angry at God and the Universe (which I know is me.. writing this for myself) not wanting to go on.. I was praying.. and asking for help... BEGGING for help...

and then something weird happened.. I suddenly snapped out of it. I got a bit of money from Angela's rent.. and suddenly.. I was almost restored... it's amazing to me.. how money (or primarily the lack of it) can be the precipce of feelings of insanity.. of being out of control.. and having some.. even a little.. is like being back in the shallow end of the pool.. you can see your feet at the bottom of the pool.. it's strange. Going to be a stretch for you who know me as this spoiled woman.. to think of me always being on the broke end of the totem pole most of my 20's.. but i have been... with or without limited allowances and lack of financial education.. no matter how much money it is/was... it's amazing how much safer and saner i feel when I have a bumper.. a rainy day fund..

i went back to work... and felt so much better... not even work my arrogant boss would/could bother me.. Was it angelic help? probably.. was I alone? definately not.. but I suddenly felt and still feel.. like what a doctor would say "his blood pressure returned to normal"... If how I was feeling this morning was abnormal.. I MUST figure out how to NOT feel that way.. because it's daunting.. like i'm trapped in my own scary movie.. (i don't like scary movies) and i can't get out.. or shut it off...

I still feel great! Wow... it's amazing.. like 180 from when I opened my eyes..

Like I said.. do i think it's a response from a prayer/s that i've been saying? heck yes. But it's amazing to me how NOT feeling at the bottom of the barrel.. is comforting to me.

anyway.. back to our regularly scheduled rambling.. in the morning.
nighty nite.
kerilyn