High/Low 1.17.05 Long time no talk, eh?

Hey all,

How's it going? Happy New Year. I hope your holidays went well. What? You dont' remember that just a week or so ago, you had a tree up or you went to someone's house that did? Ah.. Life goes quickly doesn't it? Fascinating! I know I haven't written in a while.. I have had lots of opportunities to, but truly have not had anything that 1. you hadn't heard from me before, or 2. anything new to report. So I decided to sit a while.. sit and try to see if Life will come up with something to say for me. And it's now over a month later..

And I still don't have anything really to say. It's very weird for me. Being that I am usually chock full of brewing thoughts, ideas and even some funny statements from time to time.. but when I think of talking to you all individually... I think that it would end up being a boring conversation.. on my end anyway..

Well you know.. lots of things have changed.. but nothing extrordinary.. out of the norm from any one of you's life. I got a year older.. lost a friend.. lost another friend.. lost some weight.. spent time with family and friends.. laughed.. played connect four.. drank a great glass of wine.. talked about life.. thought about life.. while all at the same time.. trying to live my life.

I guess. this year's birthday for me was a big one. The big 3-0 (for those of you past this.. please allow me to be where I am.. I know that there's life past 30.. I have now been 30 for 17 days.. so I'm still trying to get the hang of this.. bear with me) Ever since I was little.. it was all about this age for me. You know.. little girl dreams of being big girl.. and having it all. Yea.. not exactly the way I daydreamed it.. or wrote it down in little girl handwriting... or pined for big girl adventures..

I guess that's partly why I haven't written. I guess.. that working up to the celebratory day of my birth (which was New Years Eve for those of you who don't know) I guess the little girl part has been really sad.. Sad to see her expectations of what is supposed to happen as a big girl not be as she wanted.. Sad because the little girl didn't really have any back up plans in mind..

So... now I'm 17 days into my 30th year (or 31st if you count the 9 months in Annette's belly) feel a bit liberated from that little girl actually. It was kinda like a big deadline.. you know.. you've had them.. you're frantically trying to get.. whatever it is done.. you freak out.. think "SHIT!! I'm not going to get this done.. you go thru extreme ups "I CAN do it.. I don't care if I have to work all night!!!" and downs.."I just can't do it!! I give up!!" thru weighted tears..(brings back memories of being in Studio class) Well I hit my deadline. And true, the project I ended up handing in.. wasn't at ALL the thesis I thought I was shooting for.. so many detours and "note to selfs".... but who's grading this thesis but me... ME! Not YOU, or YOU or YOU... (even though I struggle with that.. thinking it's you who determine my worth) but me. And I give myself a B.

And the truth is.. I now hear that little girl say.. "Well.. it didn't happen by the time you were 30.. maybe I misinterpreted it.. maybe I MEANT to say.. Maybe it will BEGIN by the time you are 30." Because I feel a weight lifted.. feel a hope brush my face like a quiet reminder.. that there is more to this than I thought. And will I still have really low days... uh. yes.. without a doubt. And days where I cry because I feel EXACTLY where I am meant to be.. you betcha. I will take that knitting class this year.. and give as many readings as I can.. and try TRY to go out late.. be more social.. I will TRY to make it to the gym.. to continue losing the 40+ lbs I've lost., I will take the classes to become a Volunteer at the Smithsonian. I will continue trudging on to somehow become part of the Corcoran.. helping others with their careers..I WILL (damn it) sell a greeting card that I made.. and will hopefully sell a bunch of them to the local stores and they.. will LOVE them.. and then I will be able to quit my silly "Just to pay the bills" job and somehow manage a full time greeting card business that will thrive (yea...speak on sista!) I will .. continue to make wishes every day to find a romantic relationship that is healthy, MUTUAL, intuitive, touchy feely, etc.. I will also continue to look inside myself.. to be proud that I am not afraid of the dark corners and sharp edges.. even corners I am unaware of still... I will spend many more countless hours with my girl Naomi.. talking about life and how to get thru it.. and with my sister.. who I become more and more in love with every day... I will try to let go of my hurt.. placed upon by myself and by others (which is actually just myself ALLOWING others to hurt me) I will keep going.

I think I still hear that little girl inside me talking.. she's telling me not to give up.

Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin is what I say to her back.

Love you all.
Kerilyn

Final Note: I would like to thank every person who has helped make this birthday special to me.. for every note you wrote me.. your wonderful words.. your delicious and loving time and consideration spent.. your support and love. Your presence in my life.. whether active or quietly whispering in my ear from afar.. is felt.. and definately embraced.. Please know that.

"We cannot choose how many years we will live, but we can choose how much life those years will have. We cannot control the beauty of our face, but we can control the expression on it. We cannot control life's difficult moments but we can choose to make life less difficult. We cannot control the negative atmosphere of the world, but we can control the atmosphere of our minds. Too often we try to choose and control things we cannot. Too seldom we choose to control what we can....our attitude. " --John Maxwell