High/Low 12.6.04 I see a light!!!

Hey all..

How's ya doin? I'm strangely good at this moment.. I think it's from coming off of a KICK BUTT workout tonite. Ahh! It just changes your whole attitude when you can see the results of the work you've put in. I feel stronger (physically anyway) and thinner too. Loving that. Today was a cold and chilly day. but moments when the wind died down.. that a scarf and sweater would've been the trick...

High: I sat in this morning, at the American Medical Association, in this really intriguing meeting about environmental factors (The Water heater at the AMA burst and like a foot of water throughout the space.. so I'm there to discuss furniture moves, etc... REALLY interesting talks about Mold, Moisture Maps.. humidity probes.. stuff that really intrigued me... I tried to come across like I was WAY more interested in the water abatement than giving a hoot about the stinking furniture. Good chat on IM today. REALLY good workout tonite.. it's because I was really confused and feeling hatred of self.. crying on the elliptical machine but DAMN! it'll make you move faster when you're upset! Davina and I did arm workout.. she's got a trainer friend there who gives us pointers. Just had a GREAT talk with Naomi.. SO good to laugh!

Low: Let me preface my low by saying AGAIN.. that I realize that most to all of you don't like your jobs.. WISH that you were doing something other than going paycheck to paycheck.. OR you like what you do but it doesn't MOVE you, INSPIRE you (or pay you enough. lol).. or.. there are a few of you.. who feel you're doing what you've been "destined" to do... lucky yous. I wish I were like that (but i"m not so oh well) I know everyone is different.. but I don't like my job. Today was boring (aside from the AMA meeting) UGH. The problem is.. I don't know what I want to do. I want to be creative..to be in the art world more.. but I dont' know where to look for that.. oh well.

Ya know.. I realized something MAJOR BIG this evening about myself. Wow.. a HUGE EPIPHANY about how I deal with things. I had a really tough conversation with a friend tonite.. about a situation that's arisen (due to my own insecurities primarily) I walked away from that conversation yet AGAIN.. really trying hard to HEAR what he was saying instead of getting defensive (eh.. I tried anyway) I realized something.. about me. I have lived most of my life not loving myself enough.. NOT putting enough faith in myself.. because of that.. I have sabotaged and jeopardized some of my friendships. I have done this.. truly..because I do not believe I am worth it enough, or even more important.. WORTHY enough to receive what I wish. So what do I do?? I do what I can to MAKE SURE that my own self depricating feelings of self.. come true. It's called.. a vicious circle. And.. true to form.. this circle of mine has come back around.. peeping it's ugly head saying "YEA... you see me.. I'm back...you figure out why I'm here yet???.. if so..I dare you to do something about it!!" Now I don't know if I can rectify the past.. the past meaning everything that's happened in my life to this moment.. BUT.. I do know that I am learning TREMENDOUS amounts to be able to use toward my future. And I have to accept that might be good enough. Now the true test is to use what I've learned.. to love myself more.. so value my own feelings, to really BELIEVE that I am WORTH it.. and I have NOTHING to lose by trying. Now the question is.. Where do I begin? :)

Thanks for listening. I feel defensive because I know there are those that think it not wise to be so vulnerable.. "lay all your cards down" as they say... but to those people.. all I can say is I am "doing me" the best I can... it might not be good for anyone else.. I might lose people from my life... but I'm willing to show you inside me.. for no other reason but to get it off my chest. And I'd rather to that than to try to be any other way. I hope you can appreciate that.

Ancora Imparo "I AM STILL LEARNING" in Latin
love you all,
Kerilyn

"...start thinking of yourself as an artist and your life as a work-in-progress. Works-in-progress are never perfect. But changes can be made...Art evolves. So does life. Art is never stagnant. Neither is life. The beautiful, authentic life you are creating for yourself is your art. It's the highest art." Sarah Ban Breathnach

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart...Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, wakens. " -Carl Jung

High/Low 12.2.04 The Countdown begins!!!

Good Morning my delicious pieces of toast with butter and cinnamon sugar! (yum)

How are you doin today? 29 days till I turn the BIG 3-0!!! Rockin! If this has been a rough week.. hold on.. it's almost over (work wise anyway) Funny part is it's never REALLY over.. it's like the energizer bunny.. keeps going and going. Well at least the sun is out today. it's chilly.. frost on my back car window this morning.. brrr. I heard on the radio this morning about a possibility of flurries tomorrow nite ... NO!!!!! don't like the sound of that.

High: Boss out most of the day today.. loving that. Tuesday nite.. Davina and I went to the gym to do a kickboxing class.. MAN! it kicked my butt! (but I need it) last nite I worked out and did an arm workout.. I am sore! (but good sore, ya know?) I got a shake at the gym (they have a juice bar) OH MY.. one of the best shakes I've ever had.. I was SO happy driving home drinking my energy drink! Feel good today.. like my outfit.. good hair day too. I am looking forward to this weekend.. hanging out with friends Janet on Friday nite, Derek on Saturday (hopefully he'll help me get my tree!) and going to get xmas decorations at my parentals/going to see sister on Sunday! Talked to my friend Joe last nite.. he is so funny.. I just laugh and laugh!!! Great meditations the past few mornings.. Strangely feel invigorated and energized by all that I'm blessed to have lately.. renewed surge of creativity to work on my greeting card idea..

Low: Was bummed my best friend Matthew had to cancel a visit this weekend.. hopefully I'll see him soon!!! Tuesday nite.. woke up at 2:30 am SWEARING I was hearing someone whistling.. (VERY weird) fell back asleep and woke up an hour later in a Cold Sweat. It was SO weird!!!

Well I hope your having a good week. I was watching one of my neighbors put up their christmas decorations last nite... they looked SO good! Hopefully this weekend I'll have some stuff up too!!!

Talk to you all soon!
Ancora Imparo.
Love you all
Kerilyn

"'Now' is the operative word. Everything you put in your way is just a method of putting off the hour when you could actually be doing your dream. You don't need endless time and perfect conditions. Do it now. Do it today. Do it for twenty minutes and watch your heart start beating. Barbara SherYou must go after your wish. As soon as you start to pursue a dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning." -Barbara Sher

"You must go after your wish. As soon as you start to pursue a dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning. " -Barbara Sher

"Sunshine on my face. Warm wind on my body. Relaxation music to soothe the soul. Taking a walk on white sand and gazing over a calm blue ocean with a single dolphin swimming near the shore. The smell of supper cooking when you walk in the house. Snowflakes gently landing on my eyelashes. Not only should we stop and smell the roses, but listen, feel, touch and see the beauty in life."Andrea Bergman (LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!!)