High/Low 8.20.07 Ok.. I made it!

thru this past weekend and into another week! Whew!

Honestly it's not that I didn't think I'd survive the 2 days of camping.. I just didn't know what to expect.. what condition i'd be in come Monday.. and besides a reoccurance of a rash on my feet.. (NOT pretty or fun) I'm doin great! Check out my pictures on Flickr (Click on the flickr thingy to the right of this post and it'll bring you there) Kevin took me to Point Lookout in St. Marys County Maryland.. I don't want to go into everything but it was a great campsite (close to the bathrooms!) .. right on the water...also a very important civil war historical site.. and close to this cute boat town called Solomons Island.. We cooked bacon and eggs on his portable stove (Kevins so cute when he's cooking on this stove) and had instant coffee... it was so nice... we looked at the sites... got a little bit of a tan(ok I burned a little cause i didn't put sunscreen on my face) .. Kevin built a fire (which I was not paying attention to and let go out a bit.. whoops) and cooked barbque chicken on it.. the weather was perfect.. friday nite it was humid... but the sounds of the breezes thru the trees.. wow.. I teetered on being a bit scared of that sound and amazed by it.. it would come whispering by.. and then move along to somewhere else.. Looking up at the Trees above me (most of you know how I feel about Trees... they are my fellow living spirits) I tried meditating one morning (well it was more about mindedness..) and tried to read more of this AWESOME AWESOME BOOK Eat Pray Love (Thanks Michelle again! I am LOVING it!) about this womans travels thru Italy, India and Indonesia.. Right now I'm in India... she's talking about having trouble meditating.. BOY can i relate!! Been meditating for about 6ish years.. and I would say for the past year and half my meditations have been EXACTLY like what she describes in her book.. all over the place.. like a ornery 2 year old running around when you're trying to focus on doing something... wow.. I'm reading this and thinking.. "Wow.. that is EXACTLY what I've been going thru for SO long" and I love what she is finding along the way... learning from it..

There were grumpy moments.. on both mine and Kevins part.. it's so amazing how we are so GO GO GO kinda people.. that I found it hard to sit still for long.. take it in.. (re-read my current meditation experiences)

Anyway.. i had a great time... got home at 3pm yesterday.. and took a 4 hour nap.... then went back to bed a few hours later.. last nite was beautiful outside... shut off the air.. and slept like a rock *until I heard the pouring rain at 1:44 and had to go and shut the windows.. (thankfully.. we need the rain)* Today is one of those sleepy days.. it's overcast.. and the day after the rain.. things feel snugglier.. and I just want to stay in my robe... drink another cup of coffee and go back to bed.. oh well.. I gotta get ready for work..

Much Love..
Kerilyn

The perfect nite...an ETERNAL entry...

ah.. what a perfect nite... man.. I really do not like air conditioning... I mean when it's 100% humidity and 83 degrees at 9pm.. uh yea... i'm puttin that sucka on..but tonite.. ahhh.. so beautiful outside.. i am totally excited that the crickets will lull me to sleep with their songs.. gosh i am lucky.

well i wanted to write ...to ramble a bit before i go to bed... (i'm ready to go in my jammies)

today was a weird day.. i feel like i woke up on the wrong side of the bed but it was the same side i always get out on.. i was in a grumpy pissy moany mood today at work.. MAN.. it was Kerilyn on grumpy level 10. The stinky part about me... being in a pissy mood..is because i'm usually happy at work.. so the first sign that somethings wrong.. EVERYONE NOTICES. EVERYONE.

This morning I put myself into a tizzy (again.. why do i do this?) by farting around too much in the morning (um.. surfing the net) and I am rushing to my 8:15 staff meeting.. sweating bullets if I'm going to get there before everyone gathers in the conference room.. WHY do I do that? i don't know.. I know I don't like to feel that rushed feeling.. then WHY do I do that.. I think that started my pisser of a mood. Then it seems as of late that I've found myself in the middle of a gossip tornado at work and I'm trying to get out of... VERY silly Kerilyn has tried to make a change with the way we do things at work and I've found out as of late that it's really no use.. people are going to do what they want.. regardless.. sigh..and it's kinda backfired on me.. anyway.. so I know the root of my pissy mood today is that I am angry at this one salesperson that I work with.. i've gotten myself all wound up thinking I can try to help.. put my feelings and emotions out there... to try to make a change for the better and I'm miffed that nothing changes. So today i felt pissy because I have to give up trying... and i'm miffed because of that (Side note: I believe in 'The Secret' ... so I'll say miffed instead of angry) and I really do love my job. The injustice of those that do MORE on their team and others just sitting back ... and reaping the rewards ($$) of it all... it doesn't make sense to me so today I was pissy...I guess a part of me wanted those involved to know I was upset.. but on the other hand.. I also just wanted to stay by myself.. be quiet.. get my work done and not be bothered.. and of course cause I'm usually happy... the fact that i am quiet and distant.. means everyone comes to me and asks what's going on.. or has to comment on me looking like i'm in a bad mood.. HA.. it's true.. i am.. but i can't hide from them.. and I guess today I wanted to.

But here's the kicker.. I had a great day besides that I was moany.. I'm enjoying the jobs i've been doing lately.. am looking forward to finishing up this project tomorrow.. (Gosh what a GREAT feeling of looking forward to going to work tomorrow instead of DREADING it... Seriously) I went outside after my 2 hour meeting and sat with my book and my lunch by the water... listened to the waves.. the weather is beautiful today so it was nice to sit outside.. i sit at my desk totally content with my IPOD... listening to some chill tunes... and i had my afternoon snack of my $1.70 Grapes that are plump and sweet.. Even though I felt pissy.. it was a good day! OH THE IRONY!

oh.. and talk about 'The Secret'.. I'm pulling out of my parking spot this morning.. and I'm thinking to myself as I rush to make it to my staff meeting.. "I need to get my car washed"... Just yesterday my sister mentioned getting her car washed before she leaves on vacation.. and it made me think that. ... SOOO... I get to work.. all pissy..etc... and Noah.. one of the awesome new salesguys.. comes over to me with an easter card that he scratched out "hope you have a happy easter" and thanked me.. for making him a birthday card for someone he cares about... he said it was perfect and he's glad he got my help... and inside the card.. was a gift certificate for a CAR WASH!!! (no.. i'm not kidding) Noah is sweet and SO IS KNOWING THE SECRET!!!!

Flash forward to the end of the day.. I'm home.. and change into my jeans.. and get my bike and ride my booty down to the studio.. i decided to ride without full gear on.. helmet.. sneakers.. and just take it easy and ride.. MAN! What a better experience when you're in relax mode.. instead of "I'm going for a bike ride" mode.. I totally dug it.. Got to the studio and KNOCKED OUT 15 CARDS!!(ok.. I did the coloring part on 15 cards.. now I gotta write the words then i'm done) i've had more productivity in the past 2 sessions which equal maybe 5 hours at the studio than I have had in the past 2 years!!! i'm not even kidding... I sit there.. in silence.. thinking.. sometimes talking to myself and knock out those cards! I can honestly say that ALREADY spending the money for rent on this studio has been worth it!!! I can't tell you how proud and just legit I feel to have a space to go to. I'm hopeful in the next month I'll have enough cards of ALL that i have.. so i can start sending sample packages to new stores.. that's my hope.

Flash forward to 8:30.. I ride my bike home.. LOVING MY LIFE!!! Things with Kevin have been really good.. looking forward to the future.. excited about what's to come actually.. good and bad.. it's so amazing to know that i really do feel like i've found a partner.. to do fun things (we're going camping this weekend!) . to grow with.. who supports me.. (who knows i really want a backpack when I didn't even SAY IT!!!) I'm lucky. insert internal permagrin...

*past few days I've been happy with my life.. grateful.. aside from the extreme grumpyness today and a weird "what if" scenerio that i'm glad has played itself in my favor as of late*

So now... I am going to bed.. in my favorite orange kimono-esque nitegown.. with the windows open.. to go to sleep with my beautiful kitty girl.. who i love so much..

damn... I am one lucky woman.

Nite.

I got this weird itch...

Weird... it came out of NOWHERE!

The itch to move to New York City..
well.. i'd be lying if i told you it just appeared out of thin air..
these thoughts have lingered around my brain since i was in High School..
My dad and I even toured NYU when I was in High School...
sigh.. perchance to dream...

Then my best friend (3 of 4) Michelle.. moved there to Manhattan for almost
3 years.. and I LOVED LOVED LOVED every single minute of visiting her..

As much as I know she's loved the city...
it's always called me too..
keri! Your aunt and uncle are only a few subway stops away
and you would never be far from a home cooked ITALIAN meal no less...
and KERI!! You can get to know your cousins who you feel like you don't
know at all...
or KERI!!! imagine the autonomy you would feel amongst so many people..

I've always been a city girl..
in my head.. and mostly my heart..
Got the itch... looking at apartments on craigslist.
Hello... the rent is astronomical..
like selling your first child out there.
or the rights to your own art.. and your social security number.
damn..
3500 for a 1 br in tribeca..
Holy shit.. crazykins...

They have (4) Herman Miller Dealers in Manhattan.
(then again.. they have many in italy too - I've looked there too)
Who knows..

Reading this book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert has kinda handed me
the itch, while reading about her explorations.. and her amazing words.
makes me want to get on that.

But an itch.. whilst being a big one (always has been)
will hold out a bit longer.
If I'm ever meant to go back to new york city
which I hope I am..
it's not right now..
i'm just starting a new chapter.
studio.. cards... good job... possible wedding bells.
and who knows ...

i'll always hold out for a chance to walk down the street
and ask myself "what the HELL do I want to do today?"

Nite.

High/Low 8.9.07 A blah day

Hey there..

it's weird.. feeling blah is such an in between feeling.. i'm not good or bad.. happy or sad.. it's this strange bubble where all situations/emotions/environments/conversations are experienced with this strange glumness and you kinda walk around like you misplaced something and expecting it to be hiding around the corner.. like your favorite sweater or something.. usually when i feel this way i don't want to talk to anyone.. i kinda feel the need to keep quiet so I can pay attention and grab onto my first happy or enjoyable emotion that will put me back on the path of being happy and feeling relatively grounded.

what makes it even more blah is i'm kinda in between projects at work and that means that I'm kinda weirdly aimless here at the office. I know I need to just relax and enjoy this time.. because before I know it.. it will be busy again and I will be on the go go go.. but it's kinda strange to be in that red light at the intersection of work.. car is idling.. and i have my blinker on.. just waiting for the red light to turn green...

but then theres this pool.. (and it's a big pool) Let's call it the 'Gratitude Pool' .. there are SO MANY things that I am grateful for.. and I will list a few in a moment.. but it strangely doesn't shift my blahness toward having a good day.. remains a blah day.. I can fully emmerse myself in the feeling of being grateful for all these things.. but can't maintain that feeling to bring me out of the blahness.. it's really weird.

things like:
- my studio is so awesome i cannot even tell you. i will take pictures this weekend and post them next week.. i am so excited about having this space to create.. to be in silence.. it's like a creative meditation.. I am so blessed that Connie.. the amazing artist that has been in the space for 10 years.. picked me.. she emailed me and said.. "I stopped by the studio this morning and it look so nice. You space looks like it always has been there." It's funny but I feel the same way! I love that I am in the HUB of Del Ray (check out this website for more info on Del Ray - I have my cards in A Show of Hands took pottery at Renee's 'Clay Queen Pottery' and took Meditation class at Yoga in Daily Life ... I love it all! I mean read this awesome article about my little quaint town... and the best is.. my studio is right in the middle of it all!!!
- I love my apartment.. what a blessing that I can move back into the SAME apartment I lived in for 4 years previous.. wow.. Talk about using 'The Secret'
- My friends (Kristine and Auntie you are included in this)..I have some really great ones.. that I see and spend time with.. communicate with.... on a regular basis (and even those who I don't talk to often.. I think of often.. you are with me still) I am one lucky woman.
- I have all my senses.. I can hear.. see.. feel.. taste and touch.. just that alone deserves a post by itself...
- I really enjoy my job.. it's true.. I finally found something that I feel like I'm good at.. and my office is so awesome..
- Having Kevin in my life.. he is very supportive of my dream (just last nite he said I should spend some time in the studio).. and we have SOO much in common.. I am really grateful. I found this list of things I wrote a few years ago.. in a partner.. tall.. slender.. smart.. someone who loves to read the newspaper.. loves music.. and appreciates art... likes to "do" things.. yea.. the Universe was listening!

See.. all these things.. (and I can go on) and I still feel blah.. I don't understand..

But maybe it's not for me to understand.. I will just go thru this day.. and know that like everything in life.. it will never last forever.. so I will sit with this.. and see where it takes me!
Have a good one.
Love,
Kerilyn

High/Low 8.1.07

Hiety Ho my lovelies!!!

What's UP??? It's WEDNESDAY!! I feel really good today!!! Looking forward to the weekend.. resting.. setting up my studio!!! (I'm psyched!!) It's kinda a new part of my life beginning.. I know your probably thinking.. "How can having a little space in a studio be a new part of life?" (come on.. you were thinking that...heh) Well it gives me direction.. a purpose.. I think so many of us wander (or procrastinate) because we feel like we have no direction.. True... there are those that have wonderful self drive to go towards their goals and ambitions.. but the majority of us need a little push.. (or shove actually) in the direction... well that's how this feels.. I'm consciously spending money toward renting this space out (um.. there is a purpose right there.. make my money worth it.) and the space is so inspiring.. that I want to get almost obsessed by it.. The woman, Connie is SO amazing.. (and spiritual!) I know that this is SUPPOSED to happen! AND.. I bought a bike so I can, among other things.. ride my bike down to the studio! How fun is that! I just need a wicker basket for the front of my bike (and a bell) and i'm set!

Ok.. onto 3 things 2 things:

3 things that make me happy:
1. Yesterday I helped out my boss with a project because I found myself in a work lull... and she wrote me an email that said "When was the last time I told you I think you are awesome"... WOW.. That seriously... made my day!
2. I got my nails done last nite.. thankfully.. They were WAY too long.. and now a newer shade of pink.. Makes me want to coordinate my outfit (um.. wear all black) so I match my nails.. I know.. silly me.
3. Going to bed at 10.. (i've been going to bed like 10:30-11 and it's amazing how 30 minutes- hour of less sleep can affect your day)

2 things I am looking forward to today:
1. Hmmm..feeling like this work week has been productive.. and that I have accomplished a lot!
2. Hmm.. going for a bike ride tonite!

2 long term things I'm looking forward to:
1. Going to Atlanta for Labor Day Weekend with Kevin!!! YEA!!! Liz and Matthew (and Wayne) here I come!
2. I really want to go to a Reggae Concert sometime before the end of summer...

1 person I am going to appreciate:
You.. Thank you for being in my life.!

Ok ya'll... u KNOW i gotta boogy to work! Hope you have a great day!
Much love,
kerilyn