High/Low 4.27.06

hey there...

so we're OFF! to HOTlanta (is it supposed to be nice this weekend in ATL?) Printing out our tickets as we speak... I'm sorta packed.. SO don't want to go to work today.. would rather hang out.. sleep in and rest before my trip.. oh well.. no such luck. It's chilly here today.. supposed to be high in mid 60's.

Nothing really on my mind except getting thru this day.. and getting on that plane! woo hoo! So.. I"ll talk to you all on Monday.. have a GREAT weekend!

onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.26.06

hey ya'll...

what's up? leavin for atlanta tomorrow.. am i packed yet? no. am i ready to go? YES! ready to get out of dodge for the weekend!!!

yesterday was pretty good.. busy at work but i didn't feel panicky.. which was SO nice... today i have 2 small jobs to accomplish.. and tomorrow i have install drawings to finish up.. but no MAJOR deadlines.. Dancing a jig about that.

really nothing much to say today...

Still being a major repeat queen about the song 'eyes' by Rogue Wave... lol.. cant' stop playing it.

k.. i guess i'm making this short... (side note: k.. i have been so busy.. i owe you a long email, girl. either today or tomorrow.. caught up on your Crouching Girl, Hidden Woman ... man.. you're circadian creations are awesome!!!)

onward and upward
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.25.06

hi there..

well... the big project is hopefully over.. and i can move on from here.. had an interesting day yesterday.. had a "review" yesterday and it actually wasn't what i was expecting.. i was expecting an earful.. and it wasn't that. Makes me really realize that i'm not as bad at this as i think.. and that this panic feeling is really not rational.. for the most part. i'm still really busy and will be until thursday when we leave for HOTlanta!!! yea! Liz and Matthew.. here we come! I'm so psyched to spend time with my friends.. and enjoy spending time with Kevin as well.

Was home by 7 (30 minutes at the pharmacy.. ugh new prescription plan that STINKS! and got in my pj's.. Kevin came over to watch '24' with me.. he's cute.

Today is my dad's 60'th birthday! Happy Birthday Dad! (not that he reads this. lol!)

My new favorite song.. is this song called 'Eyes' by Rogue Wave. oh my gosh i love it.. i wish i could play it all day.. i guess i could.. :)

k all.. gotta go.. more tomorrow..
onward and upward
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.24.06

hey all.

how ya doin. monday... i feel calm... for the moment a little grounded even... hmm... this weekend was unique.. all over the place in my brain.. as i know that you can sense in my writings every day...

thank you for your prayers on friday.. i really think they were working.. it wasn't as bad as i thought.. i worked busily on this big project... till almost 7.. i'm glad i went to main office.. the errors i made were found and corrected.. then i hung out with Kellee.. she's my only friend at work and she works in the main office.. we went to Pier one.. i bought this AWESOME candle..and grabbed some dinner.. i felt 'off' and it was raining so i was excited to be in my bed..

enjoyed relaxing saturday morning.. took myself out to pho.. man! i hadn't had pho in SUCH a long time! whew.. so good for the soul. talked to my auntie a while.. she made me feel a bit better about where i can put my focus.. kristine came and we went into dc to go to my fave store.. pulp.. it was rainy.. and dreary.. but fun still. then began the strangeness of the evening.

went to grab fast dinner.. kevin met us.. kristine,kevin,naomi and i went to the movies.. parking stunk.. it was rainy and cold.. put everyone in an off mood.. then.. movie theater was packed.. had to sit in front rows... and on top of that.. the movie STUNK!!!! OH MY GOSH.. DO NOT SPEND YOUR MONEY TO GO SEE 'AMERICAN DREAMZ' ... i mentioned walking out of the movie a few times.. but we didn't.. it was SOOOO not worth $9.50!!! Went to get a drink afterward.. awkward time for me.. all in all a very strange evening...

i didn't sleep well.. cramps.. (sorry guys) but on top of that.. i didn't feel like i was on top of this project at work.. and was feeling panicky about it.. i was up at 6:30 thinking i had to go into work sunday.. i had made plans with stephanie and scott for brunch.. but i felt i HAD to go with my gut and go to work.. so i can feel more prepared.. i got to work..worked for 4 hours yesterday.. actually felt a LOT LOT better.. and the panicky feeling went away a lot.. thank God. Kevin and I went to eat Thai outside in Old Town.. it was SOOO nice out.. nice evening.. closed out the weekend watching last weeks 'medium' good one.. i love that show. :)

so kevin and i are leaving for atlanta thursday nite.. i'm so psyched to see Liz and Matthew.. it's been 2 years! got some exciting plans with them this weekend! :)

I pray that this week is light and easy.. PLEASE GOD.
ok.. that's me in a nutshell.. still a bit lost.. but for the time being.. i'm doing ok.
onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.21.06

hey all

gotta go to main office today.. the big job that design manager was checking for me found "lots of errors" so i have to go up there to have her help me fix.. and of course i'm under a deadline... this was supposed to be done yesterday..

i'm trying not to panic.. but.. i feel as if my world is suffocating.. closing in on me.. i can't breathe.. i have a splitting headache.. i HAVE to get help... this is not ok.... i know that panic is seen as weakness.. and so i've been trying so hard to calm down.. this morning.. breathe.. meditate on protecting myself.. this too shall pass.. i know that.. but when i'm feeling this.. i can't really see anything else..

i really don't like this about myself.

i hope and pray this does not go into my weekend.. i need to work vigilantly to get this done today.. evenw orking late.. because i need to rest.. i feel on the verge of a breakdown..

it's so stupid.. why am i really panicking..?? it's not real. this is not real. this is a test.. i know that.. how can i get my brain to think that though.. and relax...

design manager kinda gave me an earful yesterday... so i've been trying not to panic about getting more today.. ugh.. what's wrong with me?

anyway.. i guess i'll talk to you later.. i won't be able to check email today..

High/Low 4.20.06

Hey.. I don't have much motivation to write today.. so in old school fashion..

High: I got out of work at 7 instead of 8. It was still sunny out when I left.. and I was so happy to see the sun.. came home.. caught up on 'Veronica Mars' and 'Scrubs'.... heated up some of my lunch and some of this yummy food that Angela left me.. REALLY good creamed spinach. I am psyched about laying low this weekend..no big plans.. kristine is coming to hang out with me.. lay low.

Low: Deadlines.. make me nervous.. today the designers are checking my work on a big job.. and I PRAY that it goes alright.. that there aren't a lot of problems because I need to get the salesman a proposal by COB tonite~! EEK! fingers crossed I didn't miss something. (Insert a prayer here for me) I have my 6 month review next week, woo hoo..... not.

K that's all I have to say.. wish me luck.
onward and upward
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.19.06

hey ya'll...

wednesday... ugh.. don't have much to say.. worked till 8 last nite again.. feel a bit insane in my head with respect to finding me time.. feeling overwhelmed..like i'm not being genuine in my heart when it comes to what i want to do with my life... and.. when will i find another chance to feel centered? this weekend .. GOD i hope so... cause i'm feeling close to the edge..

supposed to be nice rest of the week... too bad i'll be sitting in my stupid ass cubicle.

i should probably adhere to the saying "if you have nothing nice to say.. don't say anything at all" ... so I'll end this with.. say a prayer for me k?

onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.18.06

Sigh...

What to say? BAD BAD Day yesterday.. I'm sure it was my own doing.. overreacting.. but I walked in and from the second I got there.. i was slammed. I guess I can admit I'm not one that works well under pressure.. and especially when someone is telling me how long something is supposed to take me.. ugh.. I was in panic mode all day.. my computer was crashing.. i didn't eat lunch till 3... i felt jittery and tears were there all day... i worked till 8pm last nite.. and i'll be honest with you.. I don't like it. i know there are people who dont' mind.. it's their love.. their job.. (or whatever it is they say to think they're enjoying what they do) well i'm one lost bunny..

I do NOT like that i panic.. it makes me feel weak.. and very insecure.. and vulnerable.. and on top of that.. i do not have anyone at my office that i can confide in.. so i feel very alone.. noone i can trust..

It was nice of Kevin.. he heard i was having a bad day... having to work late and he made dinner for me.. very sweet.. we watched '24' (very exciting.. i'm getting hooked) I'm so tired.. drained.. i just wish i could calm down.. and not care.. and not be upset.. panicky.. God I wish I knew how..

today i have my dads ceremony.. he's getting an award for being the Volunteer of the year at Habitat for Humanity.. I've had the afternoon scheduled to be off for the past 3 weeks or so.. and now with these LOOMING deadlines.. I'm feeling guilty.. I guess a part of me says I shouldn't go..b ut you know what.. in 5 years.. shoot.. in 1 year.. it won't matter that I wasn't there.. all that will matter is that I went to support my family.. and i want to be that kind of person.. so I'll suck it up.. enjoy watching my dad be awarded.. and probably have tow ork a late one tonite too (side note: Liz.. i do NOT know how you do it.. late nites all the time..I have been thinking about you a lot)

anyway.. that's my rant.. please 1. say a prayer for me and 2. any words of wisdom.. advice.. or support would be really really appreciated and totally accepted right now.. sigh..

onward and upward
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.16.06

hey ya'll.

Can i tell you how much I do NOT want to go to work this morning? UGH... can't tell you... I feel like calling out sick to have a mental health day... but i know I have a lot of work ahead of me. :( Kerilyn no happy...

It was a nice weekend.. bit up and down at times... still trying to get used to being with someone... compromising.. I am proud of myself.. I think you'd be too.. I was SO in "go with the flow" mode.. actually have been now for a while.. we went to a zoo.. and went to Ocean city to walk around.. ate yummy food.. it was relaxing for the most part... I put some pics on flickr... check em out if you wish.

Thursday nite my boy Matthew came into town.. it was really good to see him.. to catch up with him.. i've missed him..

I pray this week ZOOMS by.. like FAST.

oh.. Thank you Liz and Danielle for your pieces of mail! How awesome was it to come home yesterday and see i got real mail!! WOO HOO!!! Don't worry I'll be reciprocating this week! :)

k.. I dont' have much else to say.. wanting desparately to find an alternative way to make income.. and make my dreams come true.. without having to be involved in the groundhog day of 9-5.

onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.13.06

Is it over yet? Is it? Is it?

Hey.. this week feels like it's taken forever... creeping by.. i mean it's only thursday.. I am looking forward to the end of this dang workday.. and going home to see one of my best friends, Matthew, hopefully sitting there on my couch... I haven't seen my boy in a LONG time.. October I think... we're going out for mojitos and catch up..

I really don't have much to say.. I'm feeling conflicted about this weekend, going away with Kevin.. Feeling apprehensive.. I'm not going to have any control of what we do, when we do it and I am a bit nervous about that. Breathe... gotta go with the flow... it'll be what it's supposed to be..

I haven't talked to my mom in 2 days.. from what my sister says she's feeling better.. i have to call her today.. my poor sister getting the brunt full force of my parents dysfunction.. God Bless Her.. I do NOT know how she is doing it...

no word from the owner of pulp :(

k.. this is it (i think) till Monday.. Happy Easter.. I hope you have a good one.. and I'll talk to you soon.
onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.11.06

Morning...

Tuesday.. wish it was thursday.. oh now THAT would be nice! but the good thing is it's getting warmer here.. i can feel true spring just around the corner.. i can tell the birds are happier too.. their songs sound more upbeat to me.. (maybe it's just me not having to rush inside from the cold so I can pay attention to them more clearly :)

Had a good day yesterday.. felt centered.. got home from work before 6.. the breeze coming inside... SO enjoyed just relaxing after work.. with the sun coming in... did a happy dance that it was so nice out.. (no.. I really did do a happy dance.. i'm not just saying that) :) Made dinner.. caught up on some Tivo shows.. rolled my yarn into a ball to continue knitting.. :)

That's really all I have to say.. I'm feeling a little tired today.. gotta get up early to complete the last MRI for the medical study.. couldn't finish last time because i panicked.. ugh.. gotta BE there at 7am tomorrow. UGH! I pray an early nite for me tonite!

k.. have a good one!
onward and upward
kerilyn

Hey.. can i ask you a selfish thing??? Wow..this is SO cheesy... It seems as of late that all I get is bills, magazines and junk mail.. If you have a minute and a spare stamp.. would you send me a 'just saying hi' card? i've been thinking.. i don't get any real mail anymore.. letters.. and i wonder if you'd be interested.. I'll write you back... let me know if you are interested and i'll email you my address.. (don't want to put it up so the universe can see) if not.. NO worries it was just an idea. :)

High/Low 4.10.06

Hey there folks..

Can't tell ya how happy I am that I feel pretty good this morning.. I'm so glad for that. Also glad that it's a short week for me.. Having Good Friday off yea! It looks like it might be a great day today weather wise.. we'll see...

ok... let's see... saw my mom friday nite... she looked pretty good actually... fresh from a shower she looked like she was feeling better so that makes me happy... friday nite i hung out with my sis.. we went shopping.. i bought 3 pair of really cool earrings. (random thought) I slept in on Saturday.. yea! slept till 10am which is late for me.. caught up with Angela which was nice.. did some laundry.. and tried to clean (eh.. never made it to the bathroom.. sorry Ang) rested.. caught up on a few of my Tivo shows.. and got ready.. Kevin picked me up at 4:45... we drove out to Manassas to meet 2 of his high school friends.. I'll admit I was a little nervous but they were great! I had a great time chatting with them.. :) Had a good time... then Kevin and I eventually made our way home.. nice evening... yesterday.. got up.. and went for breakfast at my new favorite place Kevin introduced me too.. it's the close thing to a New Jersey diner.. awesome! read the newspaper (love that!) then he dropped me off at my house so I could go volunteer..

1. The shop at the NBM got more yarn that was originally given to me back when I wanted to knit.. and Tom at the shop gave me another skein of yarn in the same color so i can finish my scarf! I had been having troubles finding the right color because it's a 'learn to knit' kit.. so now i can finish my scarf! woo hoo! i cant' wait to start! haven't knitted in a while.

2. And this is BIG BIG news!!!! I was working at the shop.. and this nice man asked me if i was the buyer for the shop. um no.. but the buyer is in the office in the back.. he went back to the office.. they chatted a LONG time.. walked around the shop a while.. I didn't know who this man was.. so Michael.. the buyer.. comes up to me and says... "this is the owner of PULP " WHAT???? this is my ABSOLUTELY FAVORITE SHOP in DC!!! It's the shop that I want to model my own dream shop after (with a few changes of course) AND... I want to get my cards in PULP.. BAD!!! I said "NO YOU ARE NOT!!!" and introduced myself and told him that i was interested to know if he consigned with artists.. he said yes.. i told him that i wanted to see if he'd be interested in my cards..he said 'sure.. give me a call and i can look at them.."WELL.. I just HAPPEN to keep my cards with me everywhere i go for this JUST occasion.. well! he really liked them!!! oh my God! and... took my business card and left saying "we'll talk this week" OH MY GOSH!! PEOPLE!!! DO YOU KNOW... HOW AWESOME THIS COULD BE????? very awesome. SO.. I will wait until he calls me.. and if he doesn't call this week.. I'll call next! this is big!

Anyway.. Kevin and I went ot Outback.. and finished watching 'Junebug' (strange but arty movie) strange night of sleep but i woke up at Kevins feeling rested... and now i gotta boogie to get going to work.

oh.. i found a career counselor and am going to pursue getting assistance with my desired career change.. i need guidance cause I don't know exactly what to do.... and.. i'm looking into a therapist for this panic that i've been feeling... hopefully that'll help me feel like i'm on top of my life.. instead of under it.

ok.. gotta jet.. i'm LATE!
onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.7.06

Friday at last!!!!

And chilly and overcast here.. booo... rainy too. Eh.. it's still Friday.. I am so grateful for that fact.. whew.. Get thru this day.. and then i'm free... for a while anyway.

Have to check on my mom's status today.. talked to her yesterday she says she's feeling a smidge better.. but she has no energy.. THAT is what worries me. My sister.. God love her.. she's at home.. and having to be immersed in my parents world 24/7. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Last nite.. lol.. Kevin and I were watching Primetime..about this woman who woke up paralyzed for a short time.. then strangely started talking in a foreign accent.. there's apparently something in the brain that can do this. Foreign Accent Disorder.. yes really. Strange? yes. Well Kevin said something about deporting her.. and Kevin and I BUSTED out laughing.. oh my gosh.. full blown belly laughing for seriously 5 minutes.. oh my gosh.. I don't know about him but I SOOOO needed that.. my sides were hurting from laughing.. it was so awesome! I wish I could do that everyday.

oh.. side note.. i've gotten a few comments about spending SO much time with Kevin.. yes I know I have my own life.. but I am still learning where that balance is.. and you don't learn balance unless you push it.. which might be an excuse.. but I am enjoying learning about me.. and him.. and what I like and what I don't like.. I know it'll get to a point when it balances out more..

Tonite I'm hanging out with my sister.. we're hitting our favorite restaurant, Outback.. and I'm going to go shopping with her.. some much needed sister bonding. Tomorrow morning.. is ME time! ME ME ME... wake up.. coffee.. and CLEANING and laundry and me. Can't wait! Saturday afternoon I'm going out to dinner with Kevin and his friend that is in town.. and Sunday I volunteer at National Building Museum.. Man.. when does Kerilyn stop? Who knows? U know when your life goes in these phases when your busy all the time? I finally caught up with Naomi.. after seriously a week... short but sweet. and much needed.

K all.. have a great weekend.. I will talk to you all soon!
onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.6.06

Hey all.

thursday.. ugh.. not friday unfortunately but it'll do.

I am not there to really feel the pain (and strain).. but my mom is still not doing very well. I am not close enough in proximity to go on over to see her everyday and to tell you the truth.. have been really busy with work, staying late every nite this week (which might be an excuse i'll admit) so I haven't gone to visit her this week but it sounds like she's not recovering at all. I mean she says she has no energy.. and just does not sound good, mentally and physically, which is putting strain on my sister and dad I know... Sigh.. I feel like the bad daughter...sigh.. I wish I knew what I could do to make my mom feel better and get her back to some semblance of a regular life.

Ok.. I"ve really wasted a lot of time this morning farting around.. so I gotta get ready for work.. Got into bed by 9:45 last nite.. woo hoo! So I got a good 7.5 hours! Had a bad dream.. woke up really upset and shouting this morning.. whoa.. that NEVER happens.. I was upset for a while after I woke up... still lingering.. a foreshadowing dream i think it was...

k.. gotta go.. more later.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.5.06

Hey there folks...

What's shakin? It's Wednesday.. I wish it was Friday SO bad.. I feel exhausted.. even though i got basically 6.5 hours of sleep last nite.. i'm not sure that's enough for me.. I feel spent.. I haven't spent a lot of time by myself in a while.. and I think I'm missing me a bit.. does that make sense?

Work is busy.. well... being busy at work could be a figment of my imagination.. i get so panicky that I dont' know if it's real or not.. been working later.. and then by the time i get home it's 7:30 and the day is over.. last nite Kevin came over we got something to eat and watched TV.

I had a GREAT talk with my wonderful friend Felton last nite.. That was probably the highlight of my day.. I found out that Felton is going to be a dad in three months! Woo hoo!! I had no idea and I KNOW he's going to be an amazing dad.. wow.. SOOO much depth, spirituality and experience he will bring to his childs journey.

Ok.. I'm off to venture into the day... I pray it's filled with many belly laughs.. and maybe a recharge of hope.. I could really use some.

Can i go back to bed now?
no... onward and upward.
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.4.06

Howdy folks...

Tuesday... windy morning.. I have a feeling it's chilly out there too.. brr. I can't wait till I can sleep with all the windows open.. ah.. can't wait!

What to say? Mom still not feeling good.. but she's home.. same as yesterday.. she says she has no energy.. poor mom. My friend Danielle.. the cutie pie that she is.. wrote my mom a letter for me to give to her.. how SWEET is that! (Danielle.. you're a keeper! Love you! I'll give it to her soon and I won't have to remind her who you are.. she knows)

It stormed here a bit last nite on my way home.. I worked late.. (ugh) and it was kinda nice.. the sky got dark.. and the trees were blowing around... then light rain.. then bing! pouring rain... lightining.. and bam! thunder... it didn't last long which was good but it was a nice cleansing of all the crap going on around here.. made all of us go slower.. and take cover.. metaphorically we need to do that from time to time...

I'm still feeling a bit edgy emotionally.. bout work.. and my purpose in my career.. Actually who am I kidding?? this feeling hasn't gone away for a second.. just gets stronger and stronger.. ebbs and flows.. i try to push it away.. hide it.. put a plant in front of it.. but it is still there..makign it's presence felt in my everyday life.. True.. I can (and want to desparately) learn how to handle it.. cope.. manage... change it.. but I don't know where to begin.

So instead I'll go get dressed and try to get thru this day. Outside of this subject matter.. my purpose.. I'm quite happy right now.. enjoying spending time and energy getting to know Kevin.. gathering information.. it's a new experience for me that i'm really quite enjoying.. I have yet to begin to learn how to balance my life as it has been.. just me.. with sharing it with someone else.. I know that I will get the hang of that eventually...

oK.. rambling.. have a good day
onward and upward
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

High/Low 4.3.06

Happy April everyone...

Ugh.. I'm tired.. this whole spring ahead/daylight savings thing always throws me off.. friday morning i woke up to the sun.. this morning.. it's dark and i went back to bed for 15 minutes or so cause i just didn't feel like getting up yet.

First off my mom is home from the hospital.. came home Saturday.. she's still feeling iffy... she still needs to rest... and sleep but being home is a good sign... Thank you ALL for your words of concern and support.. it's meant a lot.

I pray that this week isn't a repeat of last week.. that's all I can really say.. BUSY at work... and still feeling not settled.. I know spending almost the entire weekend with Kevin probably doesn't aid in my settled feeling.. but I'm trying to go with the flow.. and this is where my flow is right now..

That's all I really have or want to say this morning..don't feel like chatting.. i'm tired, want to go back to bed.... want to finish my cup of coffee (that i didn't get to start drinking this morning like usual because i forgot to change the time on the coffee pot so my automatic timer didn't go off.. poo)

K... talk to you later.
onward and upward
kerilyn
www.ancora-imparo.net

PS: oh yea.. saturday I went to this AWESOME card store in Old Town Alexandria that I REALLY think has great homemade and not mainstream cards... and I showed the women there my cards.. she gave me the owners phone number and told me to call her when she gets back from vacation.. woo hoo.. They all liked my cards.. (it's good i carry them with me wherever i go) I'm psyched!