High/Low 9.30.04

hey ya'll..

how are ya? sigh.. well i feel a lot better.. I want to thank you, Bridget, for your comment today.. it really was what i needed to read to really put things in perspective.. (if only i could figure a way to put things in perspective myself without outside help). Lori aka Haircut.. thank you too.. was a great surprise to hear from an old but dear friend. I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to put an end to these wishes.. these big dreams.. not kill them off, mind you.. but to stop focusing on them as what will make my life a success. I really cannot tell you why I am this way.. maybe it's from having a very successful father in his career.. and the example he set for me of what I thought success should be in my career.. (that's my guess.. but NOT at all the sole reason) who knows..

i meditated.. and afterwards, to signify an ending of the push i was going to give my yearning to work at the Corcoran.. I gave the Director of Personnel a final call.. i told her that i was just checking in.. that i'm still interested, in becoming part of the Career Services Center. Well.. to my utmost surprise.. she called me back. left a message and wants to set up a meeting next week. I feel calm... maybe this is a test.. but i'll say it could be exciting.. I told myself I'd give up the fire in the eyes consuming feeling of wanting this.. so we'll see what happens.. everything happens for a reason..

Thanks everyone for tuning in.. tomorrow i leave for New Jersey.. for the funeral... It's going to be a long weekend.. and then I get ready to move.. (tomorrow I am putting in my 30 days notice.. I have loved living here.. LOVED... and will miss it.. my area.. but I am really psyched for this new change.. I guess there is a sadness.. so much has happened here.. one example.. since September 2000, I spent 11 months in this apartment unemployed.. that's almost a year of day in and day out of this apartment.. this apartment held the beginning (basically) and ending of my first relationship.. many laughs and many tears shed.. but alas.. moving is an opportunity to give ritual and honor to those experiences.. and to ask for an abundance of new experiences.. new adventures (I mean.. how AWESOME is it going to be to live right next door to one of your best friends? yea.. awesome)

I look back on the past few days.. of my roller coaster of irratic feelings and emotions.. I still don't know why I was feeling so enraged.. so out of control.. still feeling the wake of it.. but not as strong at all.. but I'm sure there is a rhyme and reason of things..

here.. i want to share with you all something i have never exposed but to a few of you.. I am a poet. want to share something small.. about the past few days ... hope you don't mind.

'as is'
how I'm feeling as I throw my emotions against
the wall like spaghetti clinging for dear life.
dented cans in the grocery store.
half price.
that one damn red sock..
bleeding over my newly clorox-ed shirts.
still looks the same..
the height and breath of me
resembles no difference than the
pictures of a not so distant past.
but with my magnifying glass, I see...
the ingredients have been stirred and muddied
her composition askew..
a cacophony of untuned instruments
someone, please stop the ringing in my ears..
and pounding in my heart for i feel
unraveled.
undone.
waving the white flag of all future endeavors
I walk toward indifference with my hands up.
surrender.
thoughts as sharp as little shards of glass I step on
when I didn't sweep up all the remains of my
broken heart and melodramatic intentions become the
prisoner in this poem.
feeling trapped in my cell with a beautiful willow
staring back at me from my designated window.
I stare long enough at my friend the tree
and i am free again...the bars fade away..
and i am free to run and skip and sleep
perchance to dream
a day of blue skies and
clear starry nights; when the only thing 'as is'
is everything I know.
and that is alright with me.
-Kerilyn Fox

ok not so small.... SO me.

Ancora Imparo.
Love you all,
Kerilyn

My "Cover your butt" note

in interior design and architecture.. on drawings we usually say things that will remove us from liability, also called "Cover your butt notes" or CYB notes (this is an actual thing).. for example, "Please be aware that all drawings might not represent actual dimensions and the client is required to verify all field measurements before construction." yea.. that's their way of saying - even though I might be showing you this.. doesn't mean it's right in reality...

and i have been sitting here thinking about it.. my posts the past few days.. this strange state I'm feeling.. and I want to tell you all my own version of "cover your but notes"...

this is how i'm feeling now. it doesn't mean that i will feel this way a day from now, even a minute from now.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason.. I'm not just saying that as an excuse.. so this has to be happening for something... maybe it's protecting me from something.. WHO knows.

I know i will not be in this phase for much longer (I already feel better, strangely) I kinda have a feeling what I need to work on... working on not working on something.. not wishing and not making expectations anymore.

anyway.. just want you to know i might feel strongly, one way/today but tomorrow i might feel COMPLETELY different and that is OK!

High/Low 9.29.04

how's it goin folks?

goin, right? yep, me too. first i want to thank you all for your beautiful comments today; Shannon, Naomi, Kyra, Cathy, Stephanie, Mr. Sheridan (I will call you soon) thanks.. it is much appreciated, please trust me.

as for me.. (is it weird that I feel so selfish just going into me and not really asking you all how your doin? hmm..) today was a repeat of yesterday.. despair.. hopelessness.. spontaneous crying... especially when I saw my neighbor, Nicole (who.. I will miss SO much when i move, I can't think of it long.. I'll cry) Nicole looked at me and said that I looked good (i'm going to assume the fact that I am losing weight) well i lost it.. I cried all the way almost to the gym...

again i want to say that I really don't know what is going on.. I just know something is.. Funny but my poor faith is getting whacked against the wall.. or pounded on like those pounders for flattening chicken.. I'm whacking at it saying mean things to it.. hoping it will 'kick in'... but that's not working... I'm sure it's just doing the opposite..

funny.. i really do believe in the principals of 'as you think.. so shall you be'.. man.what does that mean for me.. i usually try really hard to watch what i think and say (not always successful), keeping that principal in mind.. the other one.. 'ask and you shall receive'..yea, not sure that one actually works at this moment in time. wait.. did i ask for nothing to happen in my life? hmmm.. maybe that's the answer (insert sarcasm that's not sarcasm) maybe all this time spent meditating.. creative visualizations.. is just my failed attempt when I should've been sleeping those extra 30 minutes every day.. hmmm.. at least that way i won't be upset when my goals don't come true.. cause i hadn't decided what I wanted them to be....

oh well.. ambivalence is the answer folks.. I think I might try going thru life not giving a shit, that MIGHT just be the answer (yes i realized i said shit.. hope that doesn't offend anyone) it does seem like the least risky thing to do...

so.. if your asking yourself.. WHAT is going on with her that is making her speak lunatic words? Good question!!! wow.. i just wrote them all to you, long paragraph.. but thought that I am not up for telling you all everything that's going on.. (partially cause it's not fair to you all to read that) but just trust me.. I got stuff going on.. my own "stuff" ,the same "stuff" that I always tell you that we need to rise above.. I KNOW i need to figure out how to rise above this.. i just have NO idea how to.. (anyone have any ideas?)

oh well.. another one down.

High/Low 9.28.04

so it's wednesday. i had no enthusiasm to write last nite. Something is going on with me.. dont' know what. Started this Sunday...I am feeling angry, raging.. and hopeless.. like I really have NO reason to even try anymore.. Why? Why try? I feel like crying all the time.. ya wanna know how I really feel? Like God is too busy to take care of me.. I mean what the heck do i have to be hopeful about?

whatever... who cares anyway? Why be positive? Why care about others? Why?

On one positive note.. seemingly the ONLY thing in my life that is good news.. Naomi closed on the house yesterday.. it was good to be with her to watch it/support her.. i am excited to move in.. unfortunately I am in this mood where I am foreshadowing my yearning to be alone.. in this new house...

listen people.. i know this is unrealistic.. i CAN see that. Please don't email me and tell me how wrong I am for feeling this.. I'm not wrong. It is.. how i'm feeling and that's valid and it is what it is.. I know something will happen that will break this.. but this is where i am.. for now.

I am tired of making wishes, of hoping for some BIG change.. So I say I give up.. I don't care anymore.

High/Low 9.26.04/9.27.04

hello everybody,

how's it goin? Just got in bout 30 minutes ago from New Jersey. WHAT a long drive it was.. 6.5 hours going up and 4.5 coming back. I'm tired and mentally exhausted and although I have REALLY REALLY exciting news.. I'm not feeling enthusiastic. I'm glad I went up to visit. It was really nice weather this weekend in NJ, thankfully.

High: ok.. ready for my great, amazing, "I can't believe this is happening" news? I have a website!!!! I've been wanting to do this for SO long.. years, part of the reasoning for going up to NJ was to sit down with my girlfriend Kyra so we can create the look of my website. We sat for 4 hours or so.. and she magically created this wonderful website, using only our ideas and all the knowledge she has. I am BLOWN away at how much I love it! I am so thankful and grateful for her to help me with part of my wishes this year. For now, till I figure out about finding a host for my site, kyra has graciously put my site on her site. Please check her site out.. it's awesome too! So.... I give you http://www.whykyra.com/kerilynsite/index.html soon to be www.ancora-imparo.net PLEASE give me your feedback, ideas, thoughts, quandries, etc.. I'm really interested to know what you think. Shoot me an email or send a comment thru this day's high/low. This is a live website, and although all the pages are not designed yet, you can access my high/low from hitting the menu, if you like. Yea! I was SO excited watching her design it.. and I'm SO excited to be able to manage it on my own.. when the time comes.

Low:

Hey everyone.. it's monday morning.. I'm exhausted.. have a migraine.. and decided I'm not going to work today. Peter's grandfather died yesterday.. I stayed up late last nite trying to help comfort.. ended up that he comforted me and I cried for hours. My eyes hurt from pouring out the tears. Lots of emotions.. life, my trust in others, my assumptions, my own neurosis, my aspirations, my seemingly failed attempt at trying to succeed in my career, my life..... peter's suppression of how he REALLY feels..and how I couldn't help him 'let it out' ... kinda hit me last nite. I slept like 3 hours.. feel quite emotionally and physically drained. I'll probably write more later but I just want you to know I'm ok.. but I'm just feeling kinda out of sorts today. yea.. I'll write more later after I sleep some more.

ancora imparo.
love you all,
kerilyn

"It is not easy to be reborn as a human being. It is rarer than for a one-eyed turtle, who rises to the surface only once every hundred years, to push his neck through a wooden yoke with one hold that floats on the surface of the wide ocean." - Buddha Shakyamuni

High/Low 9.23.04

Hey kids...

How are ya? I'm good.. anxious but good. It's thursday nite.. it's warmed up enough in temperature that I've had to put the air on tonite.. I guess there will be no listening to crickets tonite. :( I think this weekend it's supposed to be really nice.. fingers crossed it's as nice in New Jersey.

High: Had a very synchronistic day today.. Had to do errands today.. and when I would go do one errand.. the other errand would lay itself out nicely in front of me.. I was actually watching the string of "I don't believe in coincidences" coincidences play out.. It was interesting! I found a cute store that I will be frequenting when I have some time to browse. I left work for a meeting, after meeting I went got my car inspected.. got eyebrows waxed.. a productive day .. non-work wise. Eh.. we all need those kindsa days sometimes. I'm happy to say that I will be leaving at 3 tomorrow afternoon from work so I can get on the road to go to New Jersey sooner. I would LOVE to be there by 7:30-8ish! Had a good study group tonite.. good to catch up with my sister, Kristine, and Naomi. My sister told me that she can tell I'm losing weight.. what a great feeling!

Low: BAD hair day. It's muggy and sweaty out today.. eww. My office today was SAUNA hot.. one day it's freezing antartic and the other day it's like baking.. hard to get work done! Didn't get all my errands done that I wanted... oh well there's tomorrow.

Ok my lovelies.. I hope you have a good weekend. Do something fun. Go for a bike ride.
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin.
love you all,
Kerilyn

"In the middle of our life journey, I found myself in a dark wood. I had wandered from the straight path. It isn't easy to talk about it, it was such a thick, wild and rough forest that when I think of it my fear returns. I can't offer any good explanation for how I entered it. I was so sleepy at that point that I strayed from the right path." - Dantes Inferno, Canto I

High/Low 9.22.04

Hey there Hi there Ho there..

How are ya this beautiful evening? Good I hope! I'm good.. had a slightly better than average day.. it's been a wonderful day.. bit warmer than the past few days but not a cloud in the sky again.. Tonite the crickets are speaking to me, their melodious tones that I love to sleep to.

High: It was beautiful out.. my boss and I went to a meeting in D.C that only lasted 30 minutes (we predicted 2 hours) so we went, got a cup of coffee and sat in the park looking onto the water for 30 minutes or so.. I was kinda blown away that my boss.. of all people was the one who suggested it.. it was interesting to feel like I'm doing something fishy but I'm not.. Work was ok.. nothing special. Good workout at the gym.. kicking my own butt to go faster.. work harder.. especially since I won't be working out again till next monday.. after the gym.. I went to my girl Naomi's house... she made me dinner! I brought a bottle of wine and we had such a great meal ( I think my new fave food is spaghetti squash.. it tastes SO much like spaghetti and it's not grain!) We had a good time, catching up.. talking about the move into the house.. I'm so excited!!!!! A new phase in my life.. a HOUSE!! with a washing machine and dryer!!! AND.. she's getting the floors refinished and looking into new windows.. It's gonna be like I'm moving into a new house.. I am SO excited to have a blank slate to do my "kerilyn" thing!

Neutral: This morning.. when I was getting ready... I was kinda in a "WHY the heck am I at this job that I don't want to be at.. WHY am I where I am?" *trust me.. I'm usually thinking this most of the time* and I overheard this program on TV.. this woman and her life.. being homeless.. having AIDS.. and it made me think that when I was 11.. I was really sick.. in the hospital for 2 months.. had lung surgery.. blood transfusion.. ICU unit for 2 weeks... i was 11 so i don't remember a lot but I know I was dying.. but I didn't... and BECAUSE I didn't.. lead me to this day.. and I should be SO grateful for having this day.. It kinda put my day in perspective.

Low: Even though I had that realization this morning (see above) I am continually in the "WHY am I at this job" mode.. I try to get out of it.. I try to meditate on what I want to happen then "letting go and Letting God" but I feel like nothings happening.. I know it's just me complaining.. that things are actually happening and I'm taking them for granted.. I'm trying to recognize the little things.. but damn it.. sometimes it's not what I want.. and I want what I want (wow.. did I actually say that? yep.. and selfishly i meant it.. come on.. we all want what we want) I just have to deal with the fact that I'm not getting it at this moment.. doesn't mean I won't eventually.. Honestly.. a little nervous to be in that big house all by myself.. bumps in the night might freak me out for a while.. I'm a little scared thinking about that.. to tell ya the truth. (PS: I'm a BIG scaredy cat, TRUST me on this!) (right matthew?)

Wow.. few days of short high/lows and now I write a novel.. I guess I'm feeling and thinking a lot the past few days.. and it's just now come out. More on my mind but I'll try to save it for tomorrow. Nite.
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin
love you all,
Kerilyn

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are you NOT to be? YOU are a child of the universe. You were born to manifest the glory of the universe that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone" - Marianne Williamson (Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech)

High/Low 9.21.04

Hiety Ho my lovelies..

How are you? I'm good.. full but good. Just got done eating dinner and I'm full! Whew.. but i digress.. today was warmer.. but georgeous out! I wish I coulda played hookie this afternoon... it was the perfect day for a drive.. with all the windows open.. blaring good music.. But alas.. I was in my cubicle.. tomorrow it's supposed to be warmer.. I'll take what I can get... I hope the warmer weather doesn't mean I need to put the air on.. :( Today is the last official day of summer.. tomorrow we will wake up and Fall will be here! Woo Hoo!

High: Felt good in my outfit today.. made a really yummy lunch when I came home.. mmmm.. Good workout today.. then made this yummy dinner (corn, mushrooms, meatloaf) now I'm sitting here a bit stuffed.. content.. but stuffed.. getting ready to watch my boy, Zach Braff in his show scrubs!

Low: Boring day at work.. Either by body was running hot today or it was hotter in the gym because I sweat like a runny faucet today.. it was a bit tougher to keep motivated when it felt much more warm.. oh well.. suck it up kerilyn.. Dinner tonite was yummy but I burned my finger on the stove.. :( A teeny bit bummed because this guy I was supposed to have a date with was busy tonite.. oh well.. another time..

Ok my lovelies.. I will talk to you all tomorrow. Wednesday.. boy I wish it was Thursday. oh well again.
Ancora Imparo.
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others." ~ William Lyon Phelps ~

High/Low 9.20.04 The evening edition...

Hey there folks..

How are you? I'm making this ultra short.. since I last wrote.. I went to the gym.. had a great workout.. GREAT.. ( I just feel so good after working out.. like I have the ability to reverse any icky feelings I might have during the day. I stand there.. in the mirror of the women's bathroom, after working out.. and I'm all sweaty.. I look at myself.. doing something to make myself feel better and it makes it ALL worth while. I am proud of me. I can tell a difference in my body.. in my clarity.. and my focus.. which rocks.

I made a yummy dinner.. sat and watched most of the movie 'Meet Joe Black' an awesome example of living the Rich Life.. already made my coffee for tomorrow, so all i have to do it turn it on.. and I am gonna get into bed and read a while..

I was talking to God today (for those of you who believe in them) and I was saying "It's so amazing how up and down this thing called life is.. one minute your up.. another.. down. It can be confusing.. but if we learn to stop and appreciate it.. it makes the ride SO much more worth while..

Anyway my loves.. I hope you have a good nite. Tuesday, Here I come.
Ancora Imparo.
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"I am learning to understand rather than immediately judge or to be judged. I cannot blindly follow the crowd and accept their approach. I will not allow myself to indulge in the usual manipulating game of role creation. Fortunately for me, my self-knowledge has transcended that and I have come to understand that life is best to be lived and not to be conceptualized. I am happy because I am growing daily and I am honestly not knowing where the limit lies. To be certain, every day there can be a revelation or a new discovery. I treasure the memory of the past misfortunes. It has added more to my bank of fortitude." ~ Bruce Lee ~ (i think i used this before.. but it's useful to read again i think)

High/Low 9.20.04 An afternoon entry...

Hey..

I'm pretty bored here at work today.. so I thought I'd shoot you all a surprise note.. to say Hi. Today is georgious! Another day of no clouds.. just blue blue sky.. like God just Chlorine'd the pool and it's brilliantly blue. The chill is still in the air.. I love it.. Note to self: Need to purchase fuzzy slippers for the fall.. this morning was kinda chilly and a new pair of slippers woulda done the trick. It's supposed to get a little warmer (mid 80's) tomorrow.. no worries.. in just a matter of time it will be chilly and then snowy (eww).

High: The weather makes me really happy.. love to take in the chilly air in my lungs.. revives me. I am happy to report that I am losing weight and if I keep going to the gym the way I have been 4x/week.. then I will probably have to start buying new pants soon. Makes me really happy to have that to look forward to.

Low: Overall having a kinda blah day.. nothing important... Well, you know what's going on in my brain.. job, relationship, my expectations of where I thought I was going to be.

Anyway.. just shooting ya'll a note.. something different.
Have a great evening.
Ancora Imparo.
Love you all,
kerilyn

"There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today. " ~Mignon McLaughlin (oh my this is RIGHT outta my brain today!)

"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. " ~Author Unknown

High/Low 9.19.04

Hey there everybody,

how are ya? How was your weekend? Mine.. was too short. Saturday the weather was overcast and dreary here in the D.C. area... and today.. was georgeous! Today was the type of day that I am glad to be alive. Not a cloud in the sky.. that twinge of chill in the air.. a little Post it Note on our skin reminding us that the leaves will soon fall.. and the hopes of warm sweaters (if your lucky maybe it will be Cashmere) and hot chocolate with marshmallows. I love this time of year.. people getting ready to slow down for the winter.. it's subtle.. but if you pay attention.. you can feel it. A sadness.. of the summer gone by.. children lugging their books back to school... ahh... love it.

High: This weekend was low key, nothing magnamous. Friday, went to the gym then sat in front of TV with glass of vino.. Saturday I spend the day at the Alexandria Homeownership Assistance program class.. 10-5:30.. I learned SOO much about buying a house.. what's involved.. how much money is actually involved.. whew.. When I am ready to buy.. I feel that taking this class will have better prepared me.. I think most people should take a class like this. Saturday was again..a chill out nite. Today I went to Ihop with my girl Cathy.. went to get food so I DON'T eat out this week (trying to save money) laundry and cleaning.. talked to my girl Michelle on the phone... made yummy dinner (corn on the cob, feta/spinach/chicken sausages and a salad) watched the pre-emmy show.. Watched the emmy's long enough to catch a glimpse of my "hi,i'm 14 years old again" crush, Zach Braff.

Low: Moments of frustration.. I wanted to clean more.. but I also wanted to relax.. didn't get as much cleaning done as I wanted. Had some time this weekend to go over what's going on in my life TRYING to appreciate all I have going on.. but I am still working on being OK with my expectations of where I thought I was going to be vs. where I actually am. It makes me sad sometimes.. but I am grateful to have all I do.

Anyway folks.. this is probably going to be a busy week for me.. I have a feeling I'm going to be going up to New Jersey this week to go to Peter's grandfathers funeral... it's a matter of days before he crosses over. I was already going up there to visit my girlfriend Kyra.. but who knows now.. might have to go up earlier.

I hope you all a wonderful week. Tread lightly on yourself.
Ancora Imparo.
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, And are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."~ Patrick Overton

High/Low 9.16.04

Hello my Miss Mary Macks...

How are ya? I'm tired.. pooped.. stick a fork in me.. I'm done.Why am I so tired? I don't know exactly.. maybe cause I've been working out more.. who knows.. anyway.. for us in D.C. the weather was overcast and slightly humid.. but we are blessed not to have the kindsa weather others are having (Dear God, I ask a blessing for all the people that are in the midst of these devastating hurricanes, please protect them!) The weather prediction for the next few days.... Rain. That's it.. Rain.

High: Nothing major today.. just a normal, run of the mill day. Had good workout.. went out to dinner with my friend Janet.. yummy food!

Low: I still have this slight migraine i've now had for bout 24 hours.. it's mild but there.. ugh.

I'm making this short (oh you KNOW I'll write a longer one when something really yummy happens) oh.. I might have a date.. (more on that when it solidifys) So keep smiling.. tread lightly on yourselves.. and I'll chat with you lata.. maybe I'll make an appearance this weekend!

Ancora Imparo.
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!" - Unknown

High/Low 9.15.04

Howdy partners..

How are ya'll? Thankfully we've gotten thru the beginning part of the week.. now the cool down into the weekend.. Which I'm grateful for. Today was cool.. I didn't need my air conditioning which is nice.. Love that.

High: I received a great message from one of my best friend Matthew.. he's awesome. Had a good day at work.. even though this isn't my ideal/dream job in the least, I'm kinda getting the hang of this job.. which makes me happy. I also had a great conversation with my other best friend Michelle.. so nice to feel loved.. Had a good workout at the gym.. i just love the feeling when I get off the machine and I'm all sweaty.. makes me feel like I've accomplished something. Peter and I had dinner.. I pigged out on yummy fajitas!

Low: Ok.. this is gross but I hurt my toe a few weeks ago.. from rubbing on the top of my sneaker when I exercise.. it turned black and this weekend.. fell off.. I know.. I told you it's gross. I know I need to buy new sneakers, I plan on it this weekend.. but now my toe feels all exposed and deformed till it grows back.

Anyway.. I hope your well. I'm keepin this short.. I kinda got a headache and need my beauty sleep!
Have a great Thursday!
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark." ~Zen Proverb

High/Low 9.14.04

Well, well, well.....

I am happy to report to you all, but I feel a LOT better! I think I figured out what it was that was making me feel blue.. I haven't exercised in about a week and a half.. and I think the sedentary-ness of this past week, made my "stuff", my emotions come to the surface.. and therefore made me feel like there was no hope. It's kinda amazing how endorphins and the knowing that I'm doing something that will make me feel better.. makes me feel better. I get off that elliptical thingy jiggy thing, all sweaty from movin'; listening to the one CD thats been on repeat for bout 4 weeks now.. (no.. amazingly enough I am not sick of it yet.. I try to listen to something else but I keep going back to it) Instantaneously I am clearer in the mind.. able to see how I allowed myself to sink in the Pit of Despair (not unlike the Princess Bride)

I actually had a really stinky day.. emotionally. Couldn't climb out of the self imposed ditch I dug.. like a weed wacker.. you pull that string.. trying to get it to start.. and the harder you pull.. still, nothing.. That's how I was trying to get out of this mood.. but alas.. that is hopefully over for the time being. See... the trick, I think.. is REALLY about not worrying about the expectations of what you want to happen..well, that's why they're called expectations.. what we expect.. but to work on the RIGHT NOW.. ep.. now right now is gone.. ok.. right NOW! ok.. well you get my point. It's good to have dreams.. ideas.. goals.. aspirations.. (shoot.. I am ready to 1. work at the Corcoran 2. Open my store of spiritual/creative things 3. Start my own greeting card business 4. Create my own funky clothing line for big girls.. ) NOW I have to just work at it.. not complain.. "aww.. it's not working.. nothings coming... uh yea.. cause I haven't done anything.. )

Gotta do something.. but I think I will start with exercising.. drinking enough water.. listening to my kitty cat purr, receiving phone calls from friends, laying in my bed reading.. MORNING COFFEE!!! (big one), finding a close parking spot, meditating every morning...

Today was a muggy day.. not hot, cause the fall is staging it's presence.. which I receive with anticipated inspiration.. Thanks for listening today again..
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin.
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"Grown-ups love figures. When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, &34;What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?" Instead, they demand: "How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?" Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him. " ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,The Little Prince

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. "~Ambrose Redmoon

High/Low 9.13.04

Hey ya'll.

How ya doin? I am not going into the normal malarky of my typical High/Low.. well, because I don't feel like it. I have been feeling quite blue lately, intermingled with bouts of smiling, laughing and happiness.. but this steady wave of melancoly that I CANNOT put my finger on, boggles me.

I feel like my blinders are on.. the blinders of self pity and whoa is me-ness. An emptyness in my heart.. ah.. I sit here, asking my soul, my guides; why I feel this.. what comes to mind is the releasing of all past expectations of what my future is to be. Funny.. I was in the grocery store (buying milk for tomorrows coffee) kinda saying to myself "why isn't anything happening that I want? when are the clouds of my confusion.. (no.. I do not wish to own this) eh..clouds of the confusion and feeling lost feeling going to part and make way for something magical and wonderful??? Am I stupid to believe all the things I was told as a young person.. that I CAN make my dreams come true.. that I CAN do anything I want in this world. (the voice in my head rebuttles saying, "You haven't TRIED to make your dreams come true.. you want it to come to you) eww. Anyway.. back to the grocery store.. I'm thinking these things and I hear in my head (trust me.. I know I'm not crazy) "Kerilyn,if you got everything you wanted tomorrow.. would you be ready for it? Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually? ) damn.. the voice in my head is right.. I don't think I would be ready.

I need to live my life RIGHT NOW.. like I was ready. Maybe that's whats preventing the greatest thing to happen... my inability to "be ready" for it all. I am living in the "When God?" and not trying to prepare for whatever "it" is... Wow.. kinda like a marathon.. (my girl Davina, God bless her, is training for one.. go Davinia!) she does those runs everyday.. I'm sure they're hard.. some days she doesn't want to.. but she does... but she knows that she's training to be ready.. prepared for the first step.

I need to work on that.. LIVING ready for it.. When I think of what it means to live ready.. it immediately makes me feel better.. makes me want to LIVE more.. try new things, meet new people WITHOUT the expectations of what it should be, when it should be and who it should be with. Definately an obstacle in my life.

Don't let me diminish something.. I went to the beach this weekend, I had a GREAT time. I am so grateful to be surrounded with people who love me unconditionally,who "get" me. I had told my best friend Naomi, going into this weekend, that I felt quiet.. and it was so nice.. to feel that acceptance of me EXACTLY where I was, no matter where that was. Got some sun.. (with 50 spf sunblock on), good talks, great belly laughs, journaled (worked on more greeting card ideas) got up early and sat alone.. listening to my inner thoughts.. tried to accept them. I HOPE that this trip becomes an annual thing.

Thanks for listening to me. It's gonna be ok.. I feel myself get choked up but I'm just trying to do the best job with what I have. Some days I'm good at it, some days, i'm even better. It all comes out in the wash.

Ancora Imparo "I am still learning' in Latin.
Love you all.
Kerilyn

"God, Please grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." - Unknown

High/Low 9.9.04

Howdy neighbors..

How are you? Hopefully you're good. I'm hanging in there.. It's Thursday, tomorrow starts a 3 day weekend at the beach.. Am I packed? Uh, no. Am I ready to lay around with a good book and chill out.. you betcha. I hope my cat, Pez, doesn't get too mad I've been away 2 weekends in a row! I pray the weather will be nice this weekend. Speaking of weather..(bad segway) Today was an on off day.. overcast one minute.. bright and sunny the next.. it's georgious outside tonite.. I got the crickets chirping away outside my window.. I hope that the crickets follow me to my new place.. it's such a great way to sleep. *I should make cricket CD's.. shoot I could make some serious cash.. * (ok, back to reality)

High: Had a good day. Nothing major.. just again another reminder that it's all about my attitude. My boss didn't get in till 10ish, which was nice because I got work done in peace and quiet. (Realistically even if he was there I would get work done.. quietly.. but that self induced imaginary pressure of a boss wasn't there) I felt empowered this morning when I called my contact at the Corcoran, I left message but at least I'm trying to be pro-active. Promise to tell you all as soon as I know something. Had nice circle with the girls (sister Krissy, Naomi and Janet) tonite... we worked on our "stuff" and although working on our stuff is never comfortable.. I think we are all growing tremendously.

Low: Haven't exercised this week.. it's kinda bothering me. I have to be ok with the fact that I'm not always going to be able to exercise OR I'm going to have to make a better effort to schedule in my exercising time.. no matter what I have to do. In reality I probably won't be able to get back to my schedule till next Tuesday, trying to be ok with that. I'm actually quite nervous about getting up early to row. I'll be honest with you.. there is a part of me that wants to bail.. wants to not do it.. I am not in the right frame of mind to meet new people, at a new place.. and try something new. I know I know how to row.. but who knows how this team does things? I go back and forth between waiting to row till next week, and just sucking it up and doing it tomorrow. Ugh.. I don't know what to do.. *I guess what is meant to happen, huh?*

Ok my lovebugs.. I hope you have a glorious Friday.. and an even better weekend! I will talk to you all on Tuesday nite.
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"It's better to deal with your fear while going barefoot" - Janet Wayland :)

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?" ~Fanny Brice

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " ~Dr. Seuss (wow.. thanks Dr. Seuss!)

High/Low 9.8.04

Hey...

How ya doin? I'm feeling a strong presence behind me at this VERY minute. Kind of a calling.. a voice.. it is saying "Keri.. come to me" It's a longing feeling.. I don't feel I can withstand this pull much longer.. I must obey.. my bed. My bed says.. "Keri.. close your eyes... *but make sure the alarm is on first* sleep (now I know that I'm overdoing this.. as I just reminded myself as I thought about how long I can keep this absurdity going. Ok.. today was overcast.. humid (ick) looks like this is going to be the trend for the next while.. as the residuals of the hurricane pass.

High: Um.. good coffee this morning.. met Naomi for lunch (she's off for 2 weeks.. ain't she a lucky gal?) Caught up over some yummy Chicken Out. www.chickenout.com (why am i putting this website up, you ask? cause some people don't know Chicken Out) Actually had a good day at work.. my boss was in a similar "I don't want to do work today' mood which kept my slackness incognito. Naomi and I, after work, got pedicures.. I got my toes done in this BRIGHT AS THE SUN orange color (hey.. i'm going to the beach this weekend.. why not?) You CANNOT miss my feet! Came home.. ate dinner by 8 (in my PJ's) and am moments away from my hypnotic bed calling me.

Low: Um.. woke up late.. didn't have enough coffee/TV time.. before my meditation.. kinda woke up with a "WHY isn't anything happening in my life" pity-party mode.. I haven't heard anything from my Corcoran Contact yet. I hope she even got my email.. I even emailed her to confirm she got my email. I don't want to seem like a pain.. but I'd like some sign she's receiving. Didn't go to meditation.. 1. I am thinking of taking a break/(BIG slash) finding another place that has meditation on Wednesday nights.. it's getting a little too much of what they believe in.. and less meditation/general talks.. feeling a bit cultish to me.. 2. There was NO way I wasn't going to TIP over from being tired tonite if I went.

Ah.. tomorrows thursday... Leaving for the beach Saturday morning, Rohoboth Beach in Delaware.. never been there.. should be nice.. looking forward to some beach time.. some reading time.. some journaling time.. some good chats.. good food.. good cheesy souvenieur buying time..
Ok.. enough rambling.. I'll chat with ya'll later..
Adios muchachos y muchachas.
Buenos Noches.
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning"in Latin
Love you all.
Kerilyn

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." ~ A.Camus (thanks Steph)

"Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ~Author Unknown

"Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. " ~Josh Billings

High/Low 9.7.04

Well I'm back my little didjeridoos..

How are you? How was your holiday weekend? Relaxing? I JUST got in from AZ and I'm beat... the different time zones and different weathers (100+ out in AZ and 77 degrees and rainy here) has me sitting here with my eyes barely open.. so I'm going to make this short...

High: Good time in AZ... got to spend time with family, my Auntie Sue and my cousin Dominique who I haven't seen in many years!.. catch up.. eat yummy food. Happy to say my family are now proud skip-bo players.. talked about family history which was cool! Saw some amazing sights (Sedona's red rocks were literally out of this world) and just take it easy...I am very proud of myself that I handled the flights (both coming and going) quite well (well I was praying a lot for a smooth ride.. I think that had something to do with it too) My sister and I had a good time... REALLY got into the book I'm reading on the way home.. it's getting really good! AND.. made it home tonite to catch the last 15 minutes of Scrubs.. to drool on Zach Braff!!!

Low: On a sad note, I did not feel myself during the trip. This has happened well, admittedly 2 times before on other trips (one other time with my sister too) felt out of sorts.. quiet. Part of me was really upset with myself for feeling this way.. and part of me didn't know how to feel any other way besides the way I was feeling...I know my aunt kept asking me if I was ok.. I was.. just got a lot on my mind.. and it unfortunately decided to come out while I was away.. I have been so busy lately.. that this has been the first time in a while where I got to just sit.. relinquish control.. (uh.. try to) and my "stuff" kinda came up in my brain.. I am still feeling a bit like this right now, hopefully it will pass... after a good nite's rest anyway.

Anyway.. I hope you all had a good weekend.. tomorrow I was supposed to row.. but I emailed the coach and told her I wanted to raincheck for Friday.. I am underestimating my own need to take it easy and rest.. So I will get up tomorrow, normal work time.. have coffee, meditate.. and rowing with my new team will have to wait till Friday.

Talk to you all later.. I hope you like this format.. Get used to it till I get my own site up.. I will email you all the link every day for a few weeks.. PUT IT IN YOUR FAVORITES FOLDER!!! After 2-3 weeks.. I won't email you anymore.. you CAN write me comments.. on the bottom of each post.. it allows you to comment.. PLEASE do.. I would love to know what you think.. or you can email me on my aol...

Anyway.. Talk to you more tomorrow nite!
Ancora Imparo "I am still learning" in Latin
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"We don't always know what makes us happy. We know, instead, what we think should. We are baffled and confused when our attempts at happiness fail...We are mute when it comes to naming accurately our own preferences, delights, gifts, talents. The voice of our original self if often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people's expectations. The tongue of the original self is the language of the heart."-Julie Cameron

"We tell ourselves so many lies and half-truths...We listen and are duly impressed by these inner voices that turn into unseen judges that nag at us. We give each of these judges a seat of honor in our minds, all the while hating their guts and their never-ending supply of judgements...We give the judges permission to accompany us on each journey of life, never daring to realize that we can park them, at least momentarily."-Eloise Ristad

High/Low 9.2.04

Well Hiety HO my little munchkins!

How are ya feelin this fine Thursday evening? I'm good. had a good day.. the weather was good.. just plain good! (ok.. if i said great you probably wouldn't believe me) Nice enough to have the windows open all day, and even now.. as I listen to my neighbors with the teakie torches have a little pre-labor day party.. it's so nice out! Gratefully today is the end of Mercury in Retrograde.. so I make you all a promise that the rest of the month will go PERFECT for you! (yea.. and if you believe that.. I have some land to sell ya.. ever hear of everglades? lol.)

High: Just had good day.. nothing exciting.. felt good.. my mom came at 4:30 and we went to our appointment.. (she, I think, found it beneficial) and then we went out for some grub. AFTER I showed her the house I'm movin into.. she likes it.. has a lot of potential she says.. oh yea.. I showed her my tattoo.. she didn't flip out.. SO nice.. I am switching rowing teams.. and the coach of the new team invited me out to practice with them tomorrow morning.. I actually made a decision NOT to go tomorrow but postpone till after my trip.. cause I need that sleep to get stuff done tomorrow. Felt good to make a decision based on what I want and not what I THINK I should do..

Low: A bit boring at work today.. quiet. As much as I know I need to sleep in.. a part of me wants to row tomorrow but I'm gonna be stretching myself too thin with all the stuff I have to do tomorrow to get ready for Phoenix...

PHOENIX!!! I'm going to PHOENIX!!! Goin to visit my Auntie Sue and my Cousin Dominique! I'm SOOOOOOOOOO excited! woo hoo! So... tonite will be my last entry till WEDNESDAY nite.. (yes.. I know.. don't cry for me Argentina!) I get back tuesday nite but WHO KNOWS what shape I'll be in and I'm rowing witht he new team on Wednesday.. so i need my shuteye!

I hope you all have a great weekend! Do something fun!
Ancora Imparo
Love you all,
Kerilyn

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. " ~Ralph Ellison

"Try to be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." ~Johann von Goethe

Welcome to my High/Low

Ok my friends.. I hope that you will enjoy my high/low in this format. I am going to give this a whirl for a while. PLEASE do send me comments on this.. let me know if this is good.. bad.. or indifferent to the regular way I send my ramblings..

If you are new to my High/Low list.. as I'm sure a few million people are.. Welcome! I have actually been writing a weblog/journal for almost 2 years.. and I have a small group, but VERY important group, of family and friends.. as well as some people I have never even met before. I write a High/Low from Sunday thru Thursday evenings.. sometimes they are quite long.. and sometimes, if I'm tired or being neurotic.. they can be just a quick note..

Where I got the name High/Low from.. is.. In the movie "The Story of Us" with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bruce Willis (remember that one?) there is a scene in the movie.. when the family sits down every night and says what their high and low of the day was.. Well.. my former roommate and new mommy, Lisa, suggested that as a way of keeping in touch more often.. that we try to send our own version of a high and low out to our roommates.. Well.. that grew, for me, to about 60 people a day.. who now reads what is going on and not going on in my life (uh.. Where is the love, the love, the love) So.. I welcome your comments.. and please.. enjoy!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are you NOT to be? YOU are a child of the universe. You were born to manifest the glory of the universe that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone" - Marianne Williamson